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Was it rape? Or my fault?

I am not sure if what happen is even considered rape… but I am really hoping someone can help me figure this out.

It all started when I was 17 years old I was going through a break up and I was not the best version of myself. My brothers best friend started flirting with me over face book and I thought an older guy would be just what I needed to fix my broken heart. He was 24 at the time and we started talking and hanging out very casually and we mutually decided to have sex which we did about 2 times before I regretted it.

I was at a party and was drinking and started texting him and he told me to come over which I thought I’m not completely drunk so why not. At that time I didn’t know how drunk he really was but any who I ended up going over and we started watching movies and we did eventually have sex fully consented. I asked to stay over since I was drinking throughout the night. We feel asleep no problem but during the night I moved since I couldn’t get comfortable. When I moved he started getting on top of and started taking off my clothes still in his drunk phase and I froze completely not able to move or talk but what I did know is I didn’t want it. No part of me wanted it but I still don’t know why I didn’t/couldn’t say no. He finished in me and went back to bed I was terrified of moving again so I didn’t. The next morning I got up and left with no words but a bye.

At that time I honestly thought it was my fault I wanted to act grown up with an older man this is my payback. He texted me and asked if he did anything dumb that night I said no because I new without the beer he was a good guy for goodness sakes he was in the army reserves.
I slowly started breaking away from texting him and moved on.

Now I’m married with a son I still get flashbacks and go into depression from all the crap my life has gone through but that one night still sticks out. Was I raped or was it my fault???

— Survivor, age 21


  • Eloise
  • Hannah


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