10 Years!

Past:

1998: It all started in 1998, I was 16 years old. I was on a vacation at my uncle’s place. It was around 6pm & no one was home. Everyone stepped out due to some ceremony at a neighbors house. Two guys (strangers. Lets name them, YO & AM), showed up at the door, forced themselves in & raped me. They kept on fucking me for at least an hour! Honestly, at that age, I didn’t know what sex meant (dumb me!). My world turned upside down. I felt humiliated, shattered, lost, confused, scared, out of senses & I didn’t know how to react. As they left, I gathered myself & ran into the shower erasing all forensic evidence of the incident. I was afraid of “what people will think about me”. I wanted to kill myself, but then I thought that no one knows about what happened. I decided to not talk about it & to give life another chance. As the time passed by, I started coping up with the incident.

2000-2003: After about 2 years (2000), I got admitted in an engineering college & I moved to a different city. One day as I was shopping in a high end mall, I bumped into the two guys who raped me two years back. I was cold & my heart started racing. They walked to me & told me to meet them in the parking garage. I refused and walked off. Since I was in a mall, they couldn’t do much (thankfully!). I went straight to the police station to file a complain. I told the cops what had happened 2 years back & this is what the cop told me – “Beta (hindi word for ‘kid’), go home. What happened in the past, is past. We don’t have any proof of that. These days, girlfriends get angry at boyfriends & come to file such complains – we don’t know who is wrong. And even if all this is true, do you want to shame your family? Do you think you are strong enough to answer all the police/court questions? We see a lot of similar incidents here at the police station & most of the girls end up committing suicide“. Wow! I was shocked, speechless & felt helpless. Whom should I go for help? The system refused to help me. I felt powerless. This was the first time I felt I want to become powerful!

Few days later, I saw them again (with 1 more guy), just outside my hostel. Before I could speak a word, they told me whereabouts of my elder sister and one of my friend. They were very precise & right. I was shocked. Now my friends & family were getting involved. They just asked me to come with them & I quietly sat in the car. They took me to an apartment, drugged me so that I oblige and stay calm & the 3 guys took turns and raped me. I was held by them for 12 hrs. This was the worst 12 hrs I have ever spent. Later, they bathed me, cleaned me up, sobered me up & dropped me back at my hostel.

The pieces I am, she gather them and gave them back to me in all the right order.

12 hrs, 3 guys. I was shattered – physically, mentally & emotionally. I thought of killing myself so many times but I couldn’t. Why? Love, life & strength.

I always felt how my family would feel after I kill myself. In fact, killing myself would make it obvious that something wrong happened with me & the society would not let my family live in peace.
I had very good friends. Since I was the only girl from my friends circle (all other being guys) in the city, I was there princess! My friends knew there was something wrong (till date, as of writing of this blog, no one knows about this particular incident) with me so they always made sure (in the best of there ability, of course they were studying too) to give me company & make themselves available for me.
Also, YO use to tell me that if I commit suicide, they would kill all my family members after my death. So I couldn’t die, I was forced to live by my rapists
This was just the beginning & I wanted to see where this all ends. Bring it on!

They showed up again & this went on for couple of years. Every time they would use information & details about my family/friends and I would give in to there demands out of fear. I never understood how someone can get such precise information. They even knew everything about me – my exam grades, where I would go, when I would go, with whom, etc etc. They had a powerful network! My quest for power became more strong. Once I refused to surrender to his demands & one of my friends met with an accident (co-incidence or planned?). Then I started staying alone, ignoring my friends. They raped me over & over for couple of years. Every time I saw them, I knew what’s gonna happen. I would quietly go with them & they would drop me back to my hostel. This happened 8-10 times in two years. I stopped stepping out of the hostel & would feel safe in my girls hostel. I stopped attending lectures & I started becoming famous among professors for not attending lectures. Professors started asking questions and I had no answers for them. Life was miserable. I would only step out to go to college for my exams & I would see them. It has happened couple of times, I was fucked an evening before my examinations.

2003-2005: After about 2 years (2003), YO started liking me & showed interest in marrying me. He proposed me! WTF? Really? That was the first time, I spoke in 4 years, “I will die but I will not marry you. Feel free to kill my family, you fucker!”. He slapped me hard, kept on hitting me, fucked me for 6 hours & dropped me back at my hostel. He came back the next day & for the first time ever he was alone. There was no AM. As always, he had some information about someone I care for & I went with him. He took me to his lavish house (first time!) for lunch (something else than sex!). He apologized for what he did a day before. I was shocked (again)! Also, that day, for the first time, he told me his name. He was such a gentleman (although he hasn’t been one in the past 4 years!). Somehow, I broke into tears & talked about all the agony & pain I went through in the last 4 years. My rapist comforted me & wiped my tears. Irony of my lif e! Over months, his sexual violence slowed down a lot. He started talking to me and started understanding me. He would buy expensive gifts – jewelry, watched, expensive dresses, mobile phone, expensive apartment, etc etc & force me to take it. I was forced to hang out with him (hanging out was easier than sex). He started helping me with my studies & home works.

I completed my engineering in 2004. I had a hard time finding a job – no professor would recommend me (if only I attended any lectures!). I finally ended with a job in a good software company. I moved out of the hostel & moved into a rental apartment. I picked up a bad habit – drinking. I would drink like crazy & I have done crazy things. One that tops the list is – drunk driving! The intention of drunk driving was to die but I didn’t 😉 I even tried committing suicide but I survived (actually a friend of mine saved me). Over the next 3 years (till 2006), I was raped few more times, all these years, just by him without his friend(s). His friends were still his partner in crime but physically they stayed away from me. Over these 3 years, I opened up to him (emotionally). I use to cry for hours & hours & hours & hours & he would comfort me. His attitude changed towards me & he became caring. But then, what’s the point? Although, some of m y friends say I have developed Stockholm syndrome. Umm, really?

2006-2008: In 2006, I came to US. I thought he will not find me here & even if he does, the system here is much stronger & I can seek help. Peek-a-boo, I see you! He found me in US & history repeated. He kept on asking me to marry him & I kept on refusing his proposal. I didn’t seek out for help because I was too afraid of my past. I thought, if I speak now, I will have to talk about my entire past, my past 8 years.

One fine day, in Sep 2008 (Sep 22, 2008), his friend AM showed up at my apartment. He fucked me & told me that YO died, drunk driving. He also (AM) told me that he would never see me again & suddenly everything ended! I kept on searching the internet for some proof of YO’s death, I couldn’t find any. Till date, I keep on searching the internet to find out more details about these two guys. All my efforts are in vain.

10 years, 15+ times, every couple of months I was taken for the night. I was beaten & then fucked for hours & hours – in the car, on the couch, in the shower, during my periods, under the influence of drugs, etc etc.

These are my 10 years in 10 mins.

Did I ever try to speak up against them? Yes, I did. First, I tried reaching out to the cops, they refused to take any action. Later, couple of times when I did, my friends met with accident. Then when I tried again, my friends have gotten threatening email/text messages. I stopped speaking up & decided to remain silent forever.

I am tired of my past, it haunts me. I want to free my mind: #letsfreeourmind