10 YEARS OF SILENCE

I can’t remember if I was 7 or 9 or if it happened more times that I can remember. He is two years older than me and he’s my cousin, even though I don’t consider him family. He’s always been the weird kid of the family and I think I was his first victim. We were at his house, the adults were downstairs and we went up to his room to play like any other normal kids would do. We were playing I was the teacher and he was the student. I would give him drawing sheets to color, math exercises I came up with, etc. I was having a great time, actually. Until things started to get weird. “Do you know what masturbation is?” he asked. “No” I said, even though I had a slight idea, I don’t even know why. He started talking about how everyone at his school did it, girls and boys. “You should try it, really” he said. “Okay” I replied, feeling super uncomfortable. “Do you mind if I do it now?” Blackout…I don’t remember answering. The next thing I remember is the boy climbing up to his bunk bed, pulling a blanket above himself and jerking off. His face of pleasure was disgusting. I didn’t know what to do, I feared that if I went downstairs and told someone what was happening, I would get in trouble. My grandfather came upstairs and the boy pretended to be asleep, I almost told my grandfather what was going on. Parenthesis: for years my grandfather molested me too. Years later I found out he had been my mom’s predator for years during her childhood. God knows what would’ve happened if I told him. After he went back downstairs, the boy continued his business. “Have you ever seen what it looks like?” I froze…”no”. “Come see”…he commanded. My feet went ahead and did the opposite of what I wanted to do. I knew it was wrong but still my body obeyed what he had suggested. He showed me his penis, an image that would hunt a 7 year old for a very long time. That was the first assault. I can’t remember if it all happened on the same day, but I was also forced by him to watch pornography. Years later he would talk to me about his sexual encounters at school, with such detail…I didn’t say anything until I was 17. 10 years of crying myself to sleep, 10 years of painful silence. 10 years of loneliness…I’m now 18. I’m studying psychology and my goal is to help victims of sexual abuse.

— Survivor, age 18