I have been sexually assaulted 16 times. 11 of those are rapes. It started when I was two. The last time I was 23.
3 of those times were by immediate family members, people I loved and relied on to love, protect and take care of me: My father, when I was two, four and 9, my uncle, when I was 4 my brother, when I was 9.
2 of them by people I loved and trusted who were not family: a boyfriend at 23, for two years, and my father’s friend at 6, for 3 years.
4 of those times while I was drunk, by strangers at from 14 years old to 21.
2 of those 4, gang rapes, when I was 19 and 21.
and the 2 of the 11 left by distant family members, third cousin, and third uncle, when I was 19.
And the remaining 5 by friends, boyfriends, strangers….
I am sitting here, and a perpetrator is being inaugurated into the presidency, in the United States. I can not function today. I needed to tell my story somewhere because starting last night I kept waking up with these numbers repeating over and over again, my own thoughts and my own story jolting me throughout the night. And today, a day where I can not move. I am frozen.
I am 30 now, am engaged: there is verbal abuse in the relationship, from both ends: we are both trauma survivors, going to couples counseling… but I am afraid today. Afraid of my past, afraid of my fiance, afraid of our patterns, afraid of my delicate state….
Thank you for listening. I guess no matter how many times I share my story, its never healed…but every time i share it heals a little more.
i am so sorry. no one deserves to go through that. i have been raped before and i have to say that its not easy dealing with it. i have depression and my parents think that im going a little crazy. i havent told anyone because im afraid too. i tried to tell my sisters but they didnt believe me because it had happened to them too and they thought i was just saying that because i wanted to ‘fit in’. it hurts that my own family would think that. but as many times it happened to you, you still survived through it and you have made it this far.. i would never be able to be as strong as you are, and i know you might not think that your strong but you are.. dont give up now because you have made it this far. dont give them the satisfication of you being weak because of this, fight through it , i might not know you but i believe in you. you will make it.
Thank you so much for posting your story here. Inauguration Day was a really hard day and please know that you were not alone in that. I’m really glad to read that you and your fiance are going to counseling; the aftermath of trauma can impact people in so many ways and the fact that you both recognize that and are dealing with it is very admirable. Please take care of yourself though – you are worth being in a healthy relationship and having time to heal. I encourage you to keep sharing your story and to keep working through what you’ve gone through. You can do it and you deserve it!! Love, Alexis