Its almost Cliche, the way it starts out.
I was out clubbing with friends, got too drunk, and was taken advantage of.
There was a pre-party, and I had three drinks there. Everyone else was going out clubbing, and i was unsure of what i wanted to do.
A friend convinced me, and so I went.
I had two drinks at the club, before he started buying me more.
In those type of situations, i’ve learned from the world to be suspicious of a man like him buying drinks for a girl like me. But he was a friend of a friend of a friend, and he was buying drinks for others, and it didn’t faze me.
From the last drink he gave me, to leaving his apartment, is more than just a blur.
I remember feeling his hand on my wrist, pulling me through the streets.
I remember him giving me more to drink at his apartment, and being confused as to where I was and how I go there.
I remember his girlfriends name being on the fridge, and him getting mad at me when i asked about it.
I remember lying on his bed, and him taking off my clothes, and not wanting that.
I remember being in in the shower, and him kissing me, and feeling the water burning my skin.
I remember lying in his bed, and his hand gripping my under my knees.
I remember the pain, and i remember putting my pants on inside out afterwards.
I remember getting in the cab and calling my aunt. I remember her taking me to the hospital, and her calling the police.
I cant remember leaving the club. I cant remember saying goodbye to my friends, and him saying that he’d take care of me. I cant remember agreeing to leave with him, i cant remember wanting to go with him. I cant remember saying yes. And no matter how much i try, i cant remember physically saying no.
And no matter how many times i think of the facts; that hes three times my age, that he barely had half to drink of what i did, that he got mad at me every time i tried to leave.
I cant remember saying no, and no matter everything else, the fact that i cant remember if i said no or not, i feel like i… Like feeling like i was used, is something i shouldn’t be feeling. I feel dirty, and broken, and confused, and like because i cant remember, that i deserve to feel this way. That him, and all i feel now, is punishment for being too drunk to be able to remember.
Everybody around me is hurting, and angry, and trying to help, telling me what i should be doing. And i cant shake the feelings and thoughts that maybe, what he did wasn’t wrong.
— Survivor, age 19
Hey you dont have to feel broken or sad I can understand its hard now but you have to stay strong no matter what this will come back to him and one day he will suffer for doing this to you and then he will beg to god for mercy. and remember to always stay strong because in the end of the day you are a women and women are made strong.
Dear survivor – thank you so much for posting your story here. You have every right to feel anything you’re feeling. This was hard for me to get my head around but you feel what you feel – there are no shoulds. Feeling dirty and broken and confused is normal but it sure doesn’t feel good. Even if you didn’t physically say “no” you didn’t consent either. You weren’t in a position to; what he did IS HIS FAULT; not yours. There’s no punishment for drinking too much – being drunk is never a green light for someone to take advantage of you. I know everyone around you is trying to help and sometimes that can be overwhelming. I hate to offer unsolicited advice, but for me, seeing a counselor was so helpful. Or even calling the rape crisis hotlines to be able to talk to someone who was neutral to the situation. Please know that whatever you do now, you’re doing the best you can with the information you have. I’m rooting for you and I know you can get through this! Love, Alexis