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2-4 am on January 15th

Its almost Cliche, the way it starts out.
I was out clubbing with friends, got too drunk, and was taken advantage of.
There was a pre-party, and I had three drinks there. Everyone else was going out clubbing, and i was unsure of what i wanted to do.
A friend convinced me, and so I went.
I had two drinks at the club, before he started buying me more.
In those type of situations, i’ve learned from the world to be suspicious of a man like him buying drinks for a girl like me. But he was a friend of a friend of a friend, and he was buying drinks for others, and it didn’t faze me.
From the last drink he gave me, to leaving his apartment, is more than just a blur.
I remember feeling his hand on my wrist, pulling me through the streets.
I remember him giving me more to drink at his apartment, and being confused as to where I was and how I go there.
I remember his girlfriends name being on the fridge, and him getting mad at me when i asked about it.
I remember lying on his bed, and him taking off my clothes, and not wanting that.
I remember being in in the shower, and him kissing me, and feeling the water burning my skin.
I remember lying in his bed, and his hand gripping my under my knees.
I remember the pain, and i remember putting my pants on inside out afterwards.
I remember getting in the cab and calling my aunt. I remember her taking me to the hospital, and her calling the police.
I cant remember leaving the club. I cant remember saying goodbye to my friends, and him saying that he’d take care of me. I cant remember agreeing to leave with him, i cant remember wanting to go with him. I cant remember saying yes. And no matter how much i try, i cant remember physically saying no.
And no matter how many times i think of the facts; that hes three times my age, that he barely had half to drink of what i did, that he got mad at me every time i tried to leave.
I cant remember saying no, and no matter everything else, the fact that i cant remember if i said no or not, i feel like i… Like feeling like i was used, is something i shouldn’t be feeling. I feel dirty, and broken, and confused, and like because i cant remember, that i deserve to feel this way. That him, and all i feel now, is punishment for being too drunk to be able to remember.
Everybody around me is hurting, and angry, and trying to help, telling me what i should be doing. And i cant shake the feelings and thoughts that maybe, what he did wasn’t wrong.

— Survivor, age 19

2 comments

  • Mia
  • Alexis

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