Instead of writing several small posts, I decided to write one really long post. I had a rough time with guys all my life. I used to get bullied a lot by guys. But I never imagined my problems with men would get worse. In fact, I was raped 3 times in my life. It all happened since I’ve been to college
The first time it happened was with a guy that I knew liked me. He would try to talk to me and be friends and even talked to my mom several times. Eventually I was comfortable with him coming to my dorm however he forced me to kiss him and I kicked him out after that and made excuses for him not to come over.
One night I was in a lobby because I hate being in my dorm room. I was alone in the lobby because it was so late until this guy came up to me. We sat and chat when the topic became sexual. I was a complete virgin but knowledgeable about the topic and as I was talk, he was getting more aroused. He then kept asking me if I wanted to have sex. I told him no I want to stay a virgin for a bit. He kept asking if I could at least give him oral. I said no many time until he guilt tripped me into doing so by showing me his tent in his pants. He found a hidden room in the lobby and I started but then stopped midway in fear of what I was doing and afraid that we would get expelled from college. That’s when he grabbed my head and forced me to continue. I gagged and choked until he was done with me and finished himself off. He asked me if I wanted to be pleasured I said no and hurried away. But it didn’t stopped there
The next year I was officially dating someone and that first guy texted me asking to look at a picture of his penis to see if it had an std. I told him no several times but he sent the picture anyway. Then later that year he was wondering the hall of my dorm and found me. I was watching perverted anime (japanese animation) and chatting online with my boyfriend. The guy came in and watched the show with me until he got aroused. He asked he could masturbate but I told him no. He ask several times and I said no until I got tired and told him to do it in the far corner of my room. He ignored me and did it right behind my back. I could see that dreadful organ again. After he was done, I kicked him out and told him I don’t care if he gets caught because it’s after curfew. That was the last time he bothered me
The second time I was raped it was actually by my boyfriend/fiance of 5 years. One year I had a really vivid nightmare that made afraid of sex for 2 months. At one point he was tired of my irrational fear and tried to “help” me by doing exactly what I was afraid of until he felt guilty about what he was doing and stopped.
The relationship was pretty emotionally and sexually abusive. He would force me to do oral a lot when I didn’t want to. There were a couple of times I was gagged and choked while he had his way with me trying to be kinky. When we moved in together, he would wake me up and to have sex because he gets aroused in the morning. Sometimes I woke up to him about to have sex with me and at this point I stopped caring. After 5 year we broke up in one of the worst break ups anyone around me have ever heard. We stopped talking to each other since then.
A month after the horrible break up with my ex-fiance, I began talking to a guy. He seemed similar to my ex but nicer (at first). I told him I only want to be friends and see how it goes from there. After a week or two of talking, he confessed his love to me. I didn’t return his affection and he broke down. I avoided talking to him until he called demanding why I was ignoring him and he said he was upset because I sounded like I wanted a relationship with him so he didn’t understand why I rejected him and to give him a chance. After I was tired of him crying, I said we can go on one date and I don’t kiss on the first date.
The first date was at the mall because I always felt it’s safer to be in public spaces when I first meet someone. The date was fine except he kept trying to kiss me and incorrectly predict how I was feeling.
The second date was at his house because he had no car or money. I was uneasy but a promise is a promise. When I got there we hung out in his room until he tried to make out for me. I can kiss on the second date but not make out like he wanted. He forced it on me several times until I gave in. I left soon after that.
The last time I saw him was the worst. I didn’t want to go over to his house but he begged and then yelled at me that I was an awful girlfriend which is a trigger phase for me. So I went despite my fear. I got to his house and he made food. I was hesitant but I ate it. Then he asked me why I was so tensed and I said I’m not comfortable being there. He offered a massage and I accepted because I haven’t had a massage in a while. So he pulled up my shirt, unhinged my bra, and gave me a massage.
After he was done I tried to put my bra back on and he grabbed me asking if I wanted to have sex. He forced kissed me and while he was making out with me he bit my lip really hard that it bled. I didn’t know I was bleeding until he told me how sweet my blood tasted. I panicked and froze. He kept asking why I didn’t want to have sex and I told him because I don’t, because I’m uncomfortable, because my religious belief, etc. Then he kept talking about how a smell when I’m aroused and such. Which truly frightened me. Then I said fine but use a condom (because I’m super afraid of STDs). He did and pounced on me as fast and hard as he could still sucking blood on my lip and sometimes choking me. It hurt; it was uncomfortable; I was closed to tears. Then he stopped because he became flaccid. He blamed it on his meds but it honestly made me feel worse. After that I found all excuse to leave and never went back. We officially broke up a two weeks after that. But I’m scarred from it for the rest of my life. We were only together for 2 months but it was the hardest year of my life.
I never reported them because I wasn’t sure if it was rape or not. Nor do I believe the police will do anything for my case because it was mostly from coercion. But I will never allow me to fall for it again and I will report if it ever happens again. I developed ptsd from all of my experiences and a fear of men and their sex organ. I am only into women now (I was always attracted to women more anyway).
— Survivor, age 25