Similar to you Linor, I am a Sabbath keeper. I was looking for something spiritual to watch tonight and I came across your story on Netflix (they have a religious section.)
My rape happened 36 years ago. I am a young 52. I have acquired a doctorate in Education, but have never been married and have no children. The trauma caused me to seek friendship with only gay men when I was a teenager, and in my early twenties ended up with two boyfriends who left me embittered. Then there was a period in my 30s and 40s where I would date only “unavailable” men. I felt in control that way, and was tired of being the victim. I had a warped sense of relationship and intimacy. I left the morals of my faith because I felt so empty in my spirit, and hateful of men.
The person who raped me stole my virginity, and also took my sister’s virginity. However, she was willing and I was not. I do not remember much more of the ordeal but will never forget the terrible terrible pain. I told no one but my twin, but she did not see or feel my devastation. I masked it for years. I felt separated from her from that day forward. I missed my period the following month, and begged G_d to spare me the added humiliation of pregnancy. He did. So in gratitude. I became celibate for the next five years after. And did another five years in my late twenties. Now I am back to celebrating another five years of celibacy.
Also, like you, my healing only came when I asked G_d to “heal my mind.” I did not have to see a psychiatrist. G_d was my therapist. However I am yet to experience a normal relationship. My prayer is that God will finally bless me with a partner that will make me, feel ‘like home’ (safe).
Thank you Linor for your story, and giving me the courage and space to write it down in this forum. I am a Professor, and encourage my students, especially the women to be survivors. Perhaps you may never read it, as you are busy with the twins, (by the way, my twin sister had fraternal twin boys, they are 17 and a girl, 19). Either way, writing this has been good for me. I think it is a wonderful thing you are doing for so many women. I want to name my rapist. His name is Everton Milton III. I think you should have a section here, where all the victims name their accusers.
If nothing else, it could have a sense of justice for all the women who, like me, did not get to see their attacker go behind bars. Having the names of those weak, insecure cowards paraded up here on your site, for all the world to see, would be sweet justice. Just like how rape victims have to be paraded through the courts, why not find some forum to name all of those men
It could help save, or put someone behind bars. I have told my mother and a few women about the rape, but never in detail like this. It is so freeing.
I wish you the best in your new life. Know that G_d loves you no matter what. Remember who He is, and continue to read about His love, not just His law. I belong to a faith that is very religious called, Seventh-Day Adventist. They are strict with things too. Although I do not eat meat, drink coffee or alcohol, or smoke, there are other rituals that I have released myself from (i.e., my faith is against wearing jewelry, but I wear a bracelet that is meaningful to me). I have no doubt that G_d cares more about my heart, and not whether or not I am wearing a bracelet! He loves you and is not going to condemn me or you, if we are not overly ritualistic or do not perform every single ritual. He is a loving Father, and wants our hearts, and not just our works. I wrote my story, but suggested an idea, that I think is very important but might not get heard. I think there should be a page here on your website, dedicated to allowing the victims to name their attackers.
Well Linor, it would be wonderful to hear from you, but if not, Shalom. And my G_d bless you and your blessed family.