42 Years Old

When I was 17 I was raped. I was raped by my daughters cousin who was a little older than me. At that time I needed a place to go and my daughters father n his family had us stay with their cousins. One night while alone in my room I was watching tv. The house was dark. And the cousin came home and asked to watch tv with me. I didn’t think anything about it. So we both were sitting on the edge of the bed watching tv.

i still remember my daughter waking up, who was a year old at the time, and I got up to put her back to sleep. As my back was to him he came up and grabbed me and shoved me down on the bed. At first I thought he was just playing around. But soon I realized he wasn’t joking. I tried to get up and he would just shove me back down. I still remember how he looked and smelled. He climbed on top of me and held my hands over my head with one of his hands and held a knife to my throat. He kept telling me over and over to be quiet and stop moving or he would kill me and my daughter. I couldn’t stop crying i was frozen and allowed him to rape me. After he was done he went to his room. I grabbed my daughter and ran out of the house as fast as I could and ran the two miles to my daughters dads family house. The look on my daughters dads face when I tried to tell him devastated me. I knew no one would believe me. And to this day I have never told anyone only trying to block it out as if it had never happened. Sometimes it still hurts. I just put it in the back of my mind but all the relationships I have had its been a struggle to b intimate. I just don’t know how to be..