This is a poem to my demon
Thank you for causing my depression
Thank you for attempting to do something I thought would never happen to me
Thank you for letting me see how life really is
(I now know that I can trust no one)
You took a 13 year old, broke her and tore her world apart
Caused the darkness to enter her life
Put her on a path to self-destruction
I hope it still haunts you the way it haunts me
I hope that Everytime you look in the mirror you remember what you did
I hope you lay awake every night thinking about it
I hope you when you look in the mirror you feel a sense of disgust
I hope it leads you to the breaking point like it did me
I hope, I hope you fall off the edge like I failed to do.
There’s lots of things I wish I did differently
Not putting you away was one of them
I now realise that every person you ruin from this point on is on me
The blood is on my hands
I wasn’t strong enough to face you
Wasn’t strong enough to put you away
I don’t know who you fucked up before me
But who you fuck up after this is my fault
This is what tears me apart
Knowing I had the chance to do what had to be done
But passing it up for the sake of family
Blood should be thicker than water
What kind of blood do you have?
Is it the blood that thought my love and trust for you would keep me quiet?
Is it the blood that can’t control itself at the first sight of temptation?
Well I’m sorry to disappoint
My blood is different
— Survivor, age 16
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing this with us. But… I want to reassure you that anything he does later is NOT YOUR FAULT. What he did to you is not your fault and neither are any of his other actions. You were 13. HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS ACTIONS. Sometimes speaking up isn’t about being strong – it’s about functioning enough to just keep going. And you did that and you’re here now sharing and others who read this will feel less alone because of you. I would really encourage you to talk to a therapist about what you’re feeling. I *do* understand but his decisions are on his hands not yours. A therapist might even be able to talk you through if there are options for reporting what he did now if that’s something you want to do. But deep in my heart I believe that it’s a very personal decision and not one to be made lightly. Please know you will be in my heart. I believe in you! Love, Alexis