I just turned 23 this past Oct. And looking back I have been sexually assaulted more times then I can count (or really want to). The first time that I can remember I was about five years old my cousin, who was about 15 at the time, was put in charge of me for a couple hours while my aunt and mom cleaned the basement out. I remember we were told “no kids downstairs no matter what! If no one is bleeding we don’t wanna hear it”. For awhile all was going well we played several games and laughed and everything. But then things started mellowing out as we couldn’t think of another game after about 10-15 mins I think my cousin looked at me, I can remember the look on his face as he said “I thought of something. Do you trust me?” I nodded yes. And he smiled and began taking his clothes off. I remember he was wear Chicago bulls boxers, after he came over to me and helped me undress. He told me then to close my eyes and open wide (my mouth). I did what he said and the next thing I new he….Well uhm..I suppose you get the jist. He finished in my mouth. I screamed and threw up instantly. I ran downstairs to try and tell my mom but my aunt stopped me at the door. “Are you bleeding?!?! No???!! OK then I don’t wanna hear it go upstairs.” I never went back to try and say anything again my cousin, figured since I didn’t say anything that he could continue. He did, progressively getting worse and worse it didn’t stop until I was about 7. Ever since then anytime I was cornered, drugged, tackled, or gang raped. I never thought or wanted to say anything…I have told myself that I’m a fighter and that I’m OK. But I know I’m not. And since everyone looks to me as their rock and their strength I cannot open to anyone about it. I have tried to get help many times and never seem to actually get there. I feel on a daily I’m losing this battle with my own self.
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I want you to know that you are so brave, and I can relate to how you’re feeling a lot. I’m glad you shared.
After I was raped and sexually assaulted, I told myself that it could’ve been worse. I have wanted to get help before, but I keep telling myself that I am strong and can handle it on my own when I’m ready. I think people who get help are very strong because it takes a lot of strength to admit that you need help. Do what is best for you. Stay strong.
Getting help is so hard. Sounds so easy right – just go and talk to someone about your problems. But trusting someone after deep violations like what you’ve experienced can be very difficult. You are so strong for trying and you ARE a fighter – but sometimes fighters need support. Therapy takes a lot of time and the thing that helped me is remembering that you are in control of what you say and who knows what. I believe in you and I know you can do it, but patience is key to getting help. It’s really hard – but you can do it and you deserve it. Sending you lots of love and support!! Alexis