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A Fighter? Or The Perfect Mask?

I just turned 23 this past Oct. And looking back I have been sexually assaulted more times then I can count (or really want to). The first time that I can remember I was about five years old my cousin, who was about 15 at the time, was put in charge of me for a couple hours while my aunt and mom cleaned the basement out. I remember we were told “no kids downstairs no matter what! If no one is bleeding we don’t wanna hear it”. For awhile all was going well we played several games and laughed and everything. But then things started mellowing out as we couldn’t think of another game after about 10-15 mins I think my cousin looked at me, I can remember the look on his face as he said “I thought of something. Do you trust me?” I nodded yes. And he smiled and began taking his clothes off. I remember he was wear Chicago bulls boxers, after he came over to me and helped me undress. He told me then to close my eyes and open wide (my mouth). I did what he said and the next thing I new he….Well uhm..I suppose you get the jist. He finished in my mouth. I screamed and threw up instantly. I ran downstairs to try and tell my mom but my aunt stopped me at the door. “Are you bleeding?!?! No???!! OK then I don’t wanna hear it go upstairs.” I never went back to try and say anything again my cousin, figured since I didn’t say anything that he could continue. He did, progressively getting worse and worse it didn’t stop until I was about 7. Ever since then anytime I was cornered, drugged, tackled, or gang raped. I never thought or wanted to say anything…I have told myself that I’m a fighter and that I’m OK. But I know I’m not. And since everyone looks to me as their rock and their strength I cannot open to anyone about it. I have tried to get help many times and never seem to actually get there. I feel on a daily I’m losing this battle with my own self.

2 comments

  • Samantha
  • Alexis

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