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A Letter To My Abusive Brother

Alex,

I wish you could have herd the way I used to talk about you. I thought you walked on water. I talked about you all the time, and I was so glad that we had such a close relationship. None of my friends got along with their older siblings, but I was lucky because you were my best friend. But that all changed in April of your senior year. I am not sure if you realize that things have not been the same between us for two years now. Maybe you try and tell yourself it is just different because you are not living at home anymore, but we both know that is not why we grew apart.

You hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me before, and I have been hurt a lot. You let your anger get the best of you and that changed me forever. The weeks after that were hell for me. I was trying to make up stories about where my bruises came from and act like I was okay. Sadly, this did not end for me when the bruises faded. I am still struggling today. I have been to seven different therapists since this happened and I have yet to fully move on. I wake up from terrifying nightmares of what happened a couple times a month. Compared to the couple times a week it used to happen, I am getting better. I already had trouble trusting people but you made it near impossible for me to trust anyone. I do not feel safe in my own house. When you come home I try my best to avoid being at home because you scare me so much. You snap so easily and being around you I feel like your anger is a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off. I blame you for making me sad for two years now. I blame you for ruining me. I hate you so much. But, I’m trying to stop. I know you said sorry to me a couple weeks after it happened, but I think you assumed the simple word sorry made all the difference. It is not that easy. You tried to jump back into being my best friend. I will never be your best friend again though and you need to accept that. You ruined that. I remember when I was a freshman and Hunter was being so mean to me, you texted him and told him to leave your little sister alone. You used to be a loving protective older brother. I miss this. I miss knowing you had my back. I wish that someone who was not apart of my family had lost their anger on me so I would never have to see them again. But you are my brother. Your pictures line the walls of my house. My parents cannot hate the person who destroyed me, instead they love him just as much as they love me. This is what hurts me the most.

This does not mean I forgive you because I am not sure I ever will. But I am trying to not resent you so much. You need help. It is not like your anger issues were a one time thing. It has happened way too many times. It is not fair to take your anger out on others, and I do not want anyone else to suffer the way I have. I hope to God that you get this under control and realize that what you have done to me is not okay.

B, age 18

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