A letter to my rapist

I cannot even put into words how much you have hurt me. You have completely broken me and I hope by writing this I can explain at least a bit of how your assault affected my life.

What you did to me has shattered the way in which I see the world. I have always had anxiety, I’ve grown up with it and learned to deal with it. However, the anxiety you make me feel is so much more than I have ever experienced. Every time I walk down the street I think about being raped. Sometimes the thoughts are fleeting, they just sweep by and go to the back of my mind. However, on bad days, every time I walk past a guy that looks in any way similar to you I feel sick. Luckily I am good at hiding it, I can force myself to be calm on the outside while on the inside I am going insane.

What you did to me has poisoned the way I see myself. I feel disgusting all the time. My body doesn’t feel like my body anymore. You entered it without permission and that is something I can never forget. I have no self-confidence. I feel like the most disgusting person on this planet. No matter how much exercise I do, what I eat, what I wear, what I say – I feel as horrible as I did that night.

You have forced me to question my relationships with everyone because you have made me a liar. When my friends found out I was in the hospital, I had to lie and say I felt sick. When my parents ask how I am going, I have to fight back the tears and pretend im ok when in reality I feel like im going to die. And the minimal amount of people I have told, I feel like they do not look at me the same. You have made me feel like nobody likes me. Like I am worthless, like everyone who knows what happened suddenly wants nothing to do with me. While this may not be true, you have turned me into someone who cant appreciate kindness. If someone is nice, I feel like its out of pitty, and when someone isn’t, I feel like they are judging me for what happened.

You have made me scared for my friends and family. When I know they are alone, I feel anxious and upset at the thought of them going through what I went through. I cannot stand the thought of them being alone and possibly encountering someone as sick and disgusting as you. Because the only thing worse than me being raped is the same thing happening to someone I love. You are lucky I wasn’t strong enough to do anything about it, but I have to live with that guilt every day.

You made me so sick I couldn’t even fight back. You let me stand there in silence while you did whatever you wanted to my body and god only knows what would have happened if someone saw you. I thought for so long I knew exactly what had happened but I realise I was wrong. I am now forced to replay every possible scenario in my head of what you did to me, and I will never ever know the truth.

You made me question everything. When the doctors treated me like a liability and told me I as drunk, I thought maybe the whole thing was in my head. Now whenever I try talk about it, whenever I try and be honest with someone, I feel like they don’t believe me. I don’t blame them, if this happened to any of my friends or family I wouldn’t even believe it myself. Worse than this, it has made me question whether the people around me are really there for me or are putting on some sick act where they pretend to care

Worst of all, you have made sure I never forget what happened. You infected me with a disgusting part of you that makes me feel sick every time I think of it. While what you left me with can be cured, the trauma of what happened will never ever leave me. You are the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I think of when I go to sleep. You are the reason that some days I don’t eat, you are the reason I cry alone in the shower and you are the reason why I feel like I have no one in this world.

— Survivor, age 19