I feel weak as I’m writing this. I’ve never told anyone this story.
When I was 17 I was an a car accident, I broke my neck, but luckily survived and without permanent damage. I was on very heavy narcotics at the time. I’m not sure exactly when the memories came back, but they did. My female cousin had sexually molested me.
She was about 13 and I was 7. I remember thinking that what we were doing was wrong, but she kept telling me it was ok. It happened several times and I was too ashamed to talk about it. Somewhere in the 10 year space of time I had suppressed the memories. They all came flooding back to me after my accident. When the memories came back I tried to convince myself that what had happened wasn’t that big of a deal. I felt miserable though. I remember how everyone kept telling me I was so lucky I survived and had no permanent damage, but all I could think about was dying. I wanted to die.
I began drinking and abusing narcotics. I woke up one morning at a friends house. I had blacked out the night before. As soon as I woke up I knew someone had had sex with me. The pain was awful. I had been a virgin until then. the next two years consisted of me repeatedly blacking out and men having sex with me. I hated myself every time and wished I could just die. I felt like, and I still sometimes do feel like, I allowed myself to be repeatedly raped.
I have really been dealing with these emotions a lot lately. I still struggle with thinking that what happened to me just wasn’t that big of a deal and then sometimes I feel like it’s the most awful thing to happen. I hear so many other stories though that make mine feel insignificant. But, I realized that what happened to me did affect me and still does. It doesn’t matter what anyone else deems insignificant. I have a child now and I have such a fear of anything happening to him like this. I’ve never confronted my cousin about the molestation.