A Zillion Baths But Still Feel Dirty

Don’t you hate when bad memories sneak out in what is supposed to be your happiest time? I do.

I was raped by my uncle when I was 10, every time we were left home together he never missed out on an opportunity to abuse and when all that was going on I called him my friend, he asked me not to tell anyone and I didn’t.
I didn’t have much as a child so he used that to his advantage, He used to buy me small things not even a dollar worth but as a child I thought he was the father I never had, I never knew he was hurting me until my family found out and asked him to leave.

After all that my mother took me to my dad who took me to my grandma..In my second year of living with them (I was approaching 12) I asked my dad to take me back to my mother’s house but he kept promising to take me but didn’t
One day called me and told me he’s picking me up at 10 in the morning, I remember sitting out all morning waiting for him till afternoon, he’s brother saw me and felt sorry for me saw he invited me inside, by my hand he took me to he’s bedroom..
Nobody could here my cry and I was to weak to fight,by then I knew what sex was, I knew he was hurting me but in that moment I didn’t care about him.

I wasn’t crying or fighting because for the first time i saw myself from inside, It was disgusting so dirty and so broken, in that moment I thought I am getting what i am worth and this is the closest i ever come to love.
He didn’t have to ask me not tell anyone i wasn’t going to and i still didn’t (23 yrs now)

I managed to work through all that plus the physical abuse i use to get and believe it or not i managed to forget everything.
When I was in high school i was so full of life,memories popped up sometimes but i always blocked them with a fantasy.
A few times I would hide and cry so hard that i wanted to rip out my heart.
If you ask nobody who knows me, I am one of the funniest you will ever meet,I learned to hide behind humor so that i can hide nobody gets to see through me..Everyday I looked at my family, at my mother and I was think “how can’t they know” that I am not okay” I was so happy but I would kill for anyone to ask me how I was doing or only to give me a meaningless hug.

I recall an evening, I was 16, In my bedroom I slowly started crying for no reason, tears kept rolling and I didn’t know it got so intense, I felt a very heavy burden in my chest, I looked at myself in the mirror and I realized how I was so emotionally tired.
I opened my cabinet and took 27 strong fever pills, I took a shower had some clothes on and covered myself in bed (it was like 2pm).
With regrets I laid in bed hoping to sleep and never wake up, Surprisingly nothing was happening besides mild cramps.
My little cousin came in the room and saw me in bed, when she tried to open my blanket she saw all the empty medicine boxes and told my mum.
You know when I was in the hospital that was the first time i felt loved, when all those people rushed to see me family members i didn’t even know existed, I always thought nobody could ever notice if I go missing and I was wrong.
I decided to leave all my bad memories in the hospital and to never talk about my childhood again.So far it has worked for me,
I didn’t turn out so perfect but then again nobody is.

My challenge is maintaining healthy relationships, I look for reasons to chase people away or get fired…
I passionately hate complements they make me so uncomfortable, I don’t trust people who are nice to me but want to be friends with those who don’t like me.
I have been called a sociopath and self centered among other things.
When it comes to sex and intercourse I don’t know what the big deal is because I feel nothing.
I love everything outside me but I have everything inside me.
I fantasize a lot

I can afford a therapist but I refuse to pay for something I can do by myself. Until a pill to erase our childhood is invented, I will keep running from my memories.

— Quinn, age 23