I’m 19 now, but every single day my mind will keep on repeating the same old thing over again. I want it to stop but I CAN’T. I’m from the Southeast Asia, It happened when I was around 8 or 9 years old, on the second day of a festival season. I’ve been nearly abused by my cousin which is at that time was in his high school year. My aunt which is his mom was with us in the house, while we waited for others to arrived at the house, she went inside her room and took a nap. Meanwhile he asked me if I want to join him in his room, I was so naive and does not suspect a thing so I followed him.
Me and him was lying on his bed reading a book that i barely remember, he then asked me about my breast and my private parts. He asked me if I can show it to him, and at first I said that I won’t show him but after insisting a few times I give him a peek. He then tried to grabbed me and kissed me for a few times. At that time I cant do anything because I was really blurred out and scared of him. I saw my siblings entering the house from his window and told him I want to get out of that room but he grabbed me for one last kiss before my siblings entered the room. They didn’t see a thing because he stopped immediately after saw the door knob being turned.
I am still traumatized by it and sometimes I’ll have a panic attack or some sort of anxiety. Sometimes when I remember about it, I ask myself whether I’m just delusional and imagined things but I SWEAR TO GOD I KNOW IT HAPPENED AND IT RIPPED MY HEART AND INSECURITIES AND EVERY SINGLE THING THAT HAD IN ME. He still acts like it never even happened and that kills me the most. I never told anyone about it not even with my parents until recently I’ve told my boyfriend and it was the hardest story that I had to opened up. I’m scared of telling my folks because obviously it will torn my family in pieces and I don’t want that to happen to us.
I have like a habit of not crying over the same thing twice, and it works except when I remember about this. I can’t stop crying and it hurts so bad. I don’t hate men because of this, luckily I’m stronger than that but it still affects my life and relationship. I need help but I don’t know how. Help.
Thank you so much for posting your story here. Panic attacks and anxiety are so scary and hard but they are normal reactions. My therapist has helped me a lot with some exercises that work for me to calm myself when I’m having them so if you can, I would encourage you to talk to a counselor and work through what you’re feeling. He/she can help come up with some strategies that work for you both during panic attacks and to prevent them from happening. You are so strong and you can heal from this. I believe in you. Sending you love! Alexis