Acceptance

He was the star football player and honor roll student at a local high school. Girls used to throw themselves at him and he rarely had to look far to get attention from anyone. I remember thinking to myself that he seemed like a jerk and I didn’t understand what the obsession was with him. My best friend began dating his older brother but her mother never allowed her to go to hang out with him alone, the stipulation was that I had to go with her almost as a chaperon. We were all in the pool in the backyard when he came out to the pool and my best friend and her boyfriend disappeared behind the backyard bushes to go and make out. I had never been kissed before but didn’t think he would try anything. He had had all the prettiest girls in the town already and I was a lanky, flat chested, curly haired prude. We made small talk and he began to kiss me, much to my surprise. I don’t know why but I kissed him back. He got out of the pool and asked me if I wanted a towel. His mom was cooking inside the house in the kitchen and he said that we could grab something to eat and watch a movie while his brother and my best friend we off in the yard. He said the towels were in the shed next to the pool and I didn’t think anything was wrong. I walked out of the pool and into the shed. It was dark and the towels he spoke of were already laid on the ground as a makeshift bed. He picked me up and laid me down and we made out some more. I tried to get up and laughed saying “okay, that’s enough.” I was stunned when he pushed my back down and held my shoulder with one hand. I said I’d never been touched before and I didn’t want to do this. I flat out said “I don’t want this” and then I froze and felt my bathing suit bottom being moved to the side and his fingers enter me. I tried to push his hand away and said “please no” but he didn’t stop. Instead he grabbed both my hands and held them over my head with one hand while the other violated me. I thought it was over and had tears on my face from the pain when all of the sudden his entire body was on top of me. I repeated the word “no” countless times through my tears. He began to have sex with me and the pain went through my whole body. I pushed at his shoulders and said “please stop”. The words “ow” left my lips repeatedly and he said “its okay, bella. its okay”. He paused for a second, kissed my cheek, and said “don’t worry bella (his pet name for girls-not my real name), everyone gets nervous their first time”. i tried pounding on his shoulders to get him up and tried to scream for my best friend or his brother but nothing came out of my mouth, just mumbles, I couldn’t scream. When he finally got up after he was done i was frozen and crying. I went home that night bleeding a nd broken. The next day I tried to talk to my best friend but she told me I was being dramatic, my bathing suit was skimpy and made it seem like I wanted it, I was lucky that someone so popular wanted me, and that if I told anyone she wouldn’t be allowed to go back to her boyfriend’s house so instead of being selfish I should keep it to myself. She also said someone like he would never have to rape someone like me because I wasn’t attractive and I wasn’t popular. I see how wrong that was now in hindsight but I was 15 and never said a word. To this day my family doesn’t know. I’m now 22 and cry all the time. I cut myself, I have flashbacks, and my relationships suffer. I am not happy and need to find a way to put myself back together. I see him every now and then and he’s apologized for what he did. He still emails me and messages me on Facebook asking to take me on dates. Every time I see his name pop up somewhere I go numb through my whole body and break down. He’s a successful businessman and everyone loves him. Only I know the real monster he can be when he doesn’t get what he wants. I’m broken and bruised and have a long road ahead of me…but I will one day be a survivor.