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Afraid

Lately I have been really depressed and thinking back to when this abuse happened to me.

From about 11 years old to 13 years old, I was being molested by a family friend. At the time, I didn’t know that I could tell an adult because I didn’t know if I would get in trouble so I kept it to myself. I would lock my room door at night but he always somehow found a way to get in and touch me while I “slept”.

One night, he came in and I heard him. I was really scared and my parents had left on a business trip so it was just my sisters and I home.. I was napping in the room and I guess it was just the two of us home.. and I felt something big go inside me, it hurt so bad and realized that he had used his penis this time. After he was done, he left me naked on the bed and I quickly locked the door and put my pants back on. I went back to sleep and he came back in, I think because he wanted to put my clothes back on before I woke up or someone got home but he realized that I knew what happened. That day, I ignored him but the next day, he had given me $100 and said that we could go to town that weekend. A couple nights later, this same thing happened and a couple days later, I came home to a huge flat screen T.V. and he said that it was mine. This happened a couple of times, maybe 5. Each time he did this, I was given a gift like money or toys.

I wanted to tell someone but I worried that we would be kicked out of our house and it would ruin my family so I kept it to myself.

One night, my sister and I slept in the living room. I was sleeping on the smaller couch by the AC. He came out and sat by me, I think he was about to do something when my sister woke up and asked him what he was doing. His excuse was “I was covering her up because it’s cold” and he went back into his room. My sister went to my grandmas and told her that we were going to spend the night there because we were scared. She didn’t tell her why but we left. The next day, my sister wrote in her book about what happened and what she thinks happened to me. My grandma got into it while cleaning and told my aunt. My aunt and sister asked me about it so I told them that he raped me. But I didn’t tell them about the all the years of molesting and the other couple times he raped me. We went to the hospital and I got checked. The guy was chased out of the house and reported.

My grandma told my parents and we moved out of the house and tried to make it with what we had. I always feel guilty because I watched my parents struggle even more because of what I did. I just imagine another life we could of lived..

Now I have no idea if he is in jail or out but I am always scared to go home.

Just recently, I poured my feelings out to my parents about how this made me feel and all my dad said was, “you’re going to have to get over it some day.” Sexual assault and rape on Native reservations is a big problem but no one wants to talk about it. I don’t think I will ever get over it. It’s apart of me now, it effects my daily life and my relationships with people. I don’t know it anyone gets that! We can’t get over it! I don’t know why this has been on my mind lately, just thought I’d share.

And it is so weird that after writing this, I was informed that the guy is out of jail and living about a mile and a half down the road. So now I can never go home.

— Survivor, age 19

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