I’m a Mormon woman who wanted to reserve sex for marriage. I was 28 when I was assaulted. I dated actively and had a great career at a major hospital. I’m confident, energetic, intelligent and the last person you’d expect to have problems saying no to anything. And I didn’t. I didn’t have problems saying no to sex (and haven’t had a problem since this experience). But my boyfriend that year wasn’t happy about my decision. Every date, every minute of a date – it was all sexualized. I said no and reaffirmed my decisions about sex so many times. One night – I honestly don’t know what happened. Maybe I just ran out of energy to resist. But I felt sick and the whole world felt weird that night. And after it was done, he said, “Well, now there’s no more reason to say no, right? You’re already ruined.”
I’m sad to say I didn’t immediately fight back. He’d upset my whole world. He was very convincing that I’d wanted what happened to me – that my decision for virginity was shameful, and his choice to take it from me was heroic. For a week, I didn’t know what to do. He hurt me twice more in that time frame, even though I’d told him – again – that I didn’t want to have sex outside of marriage. He just made fun of me and told me I felt “sick” because I had been “brainwashed” to believe that sex was bad. Eventually, I trusted my sister and my church leaders with the truth and they helped me break free.
I never went to the police. I knew that everyone would think what he thought – that as a Mormon virgin, I was being ridiculous and that I’d “wanted it” but just felt shamed by my culture. Sadly, I can’t even tell you how often I’ve been right about that. Just tonight, ten years after my assault, a friend I’d disclosed to ages ago told me that we “have different perspectives” on what happened to me. Personally, I don’t understand why anyone’s perspective but mine matters. I didn’t want to have sex. Someone forced me to have sex. Saying no to sex, no matter the reason, is legitimate. And feeling shock, shame, and confusion after assault is normal. I’m not responsible for anyone else’s bias, bigotry, or false beliefs. But ignorant remarks remind me why victims stay quiet and how important it is to let victims speak to me without judgment.
— Survivor, age 38
i completely understand what youre saying, i also have a friend that when i told her what had happened to me she just thought i was just excusing myself and she’s still friends with those guys, I am not going to tell you that that friend of yours isnt really your friend, cus thats not the truth, your friend probably does care for you as i know my best friend cares for me, but sometimes its easier for them to turn a blind eye and dismiss the whole issue, its their way of confronting the problem, denying it.
and just like you said, all rape is legitimate, if it doesnt feel right its because it probably isnt.
when you have sex youre supposed to enjoy it, you are not supposed to feel traumatized by it.
nobody has the right to decide how you feel.
Ana, you said that so well and Survivor, there is nothing shameful or ridiculous about wanting to save yourself for marriage. You are right, all rape is legitimate rape! Some people say very hurtful things when a survivor chooses to disclose, please know that these things are a reflection of them and their process of understanding more than they are about you. You’re also right when you say that you understand why so many victims stay silent. Brave Miss World changes this and allows survivors a safe place to speak out!
Your story is familiar. The man was not my boyfriend but someone I was definitely interested in. I had stated my position as far as having sexual intercourse again until marriage. It had been 10 years since I had made that commitment to myself and God. I think he took this as a challenge instead of respecting my decision. So on our very first date, I was raped by him. He kept telling me it was alright because he wasn’t going anywhere and that we were going to be together. I figured if I broke that promise to myself and God someday, it would be MY fault, MY choice! I never in a million years would have thought about the alternative which was having the decision made for me and being violated in such a way. Thank you for sharing your story, you are very courageous and I hope you are experiencing peace and joy. Andrea