Almost Raped

When I was 18. I was out with my first boyfriend. We had been together for about 2 yrs and i was head over heels for this guy . He and his 2 friends and I went trail riding and got stuck. My boyfriend and his other buddy had to walk out to the highway to get picked up so we could get another vehicle to get the trucks out of the mud.

I stayed behind with Cal to hangout. He was one of my boyfriends best friends from childhood. and i liked and trusted him. He lit a small fire and we hung out for about an hour. Everything was fine, but then i noticed he was staring at me. He told me he always liked my breasts and thought I was beautiful. I said thanks. But felt very uncomfortable. I told him I had to go to the washroom and wandered off into the bush. When i came back he put his arms on my waste and held me tight against him, trying to kiss me. I said no, I couldn’t cheat on my boyfriend. He pressed my back against the tailgate of the truck and put his hand up my shirt. He was gentle but aggressive at the same time to keep me in place. Something changed and he put his hand around my neck. I got dizzy and weak. He turned me around and bent me over the tailgate and grinded himself on me and rubbed me from behind. I fought and managed to get free. I started to run but I tripped and fell. He got on top of me from behind and pulled my pants and panties down and put his fingers inside of me. He pinned me face down and touched my breasts while grinding on me. I could hear him undoing his pants and was about to rape me. I pressed my face into the dirt begged him not to do this. His manner suddenly changed like he could not believe what he was doing. He stopped and i heard him what the hell am i doing. and helped me up and get dressed, I was shaking so bad and my elbows were bleeding from when I fell. I locked myself in the truck and waited for my boyfriend. I could see Cal crying and getting violent, punching his truck. He came to the truck I was in and expressed how sorry he was, he didn’t know what happened. He wanted me to come out of the truck but I refused. I could tell he felt bad, but I could not trust him. I was afraid he as going to break the window to get at me. But he just sat by the fire until my boyfriend came back.

My boyfriend (who is now my husband) has no idea what happened. He is not as close with Cal. But still talks with him sometimes. This happened 8 yrs ago. I think about it all the time and have nightmares about him raping me and have trouble sleeping at night.

Im thankful he didn’t go all the way. But he still hurt me and violated me. My sex life with my husband is a struggle. I often see Cal’s face. And I push him away a lot. He doesn’t see anything wrong because its been this way for so long now so it just seems normal to him and he’s always been so understanding of how i am.

But how can I tell him 10 yrs later that he is not the only man that’s ever touched me. I’ve been lying to him about our entire relationship. Will he forgive me for this. I can’t tell him. He told me he would kill anyone who hurt me, and i believe him. He would ruin his life over this.

— Survivor, age 28