When I was in my early 20’s, I attended a convention. The last night, there was a ball with alcohol and dancing. I met a guy that seemed nice and he bought my drinks and we danced. When I was ready to go to my hotel room, which the convention was in one of the ballrooms at the hotel, he asked to walk me to my room. I agreed. When we got to my room, I said good night at the door and turned to enter my room. When I did, he forced his way in and pushed me down between the two beds on the floor. He said he’d bought me drinks, so I owed him. I fought with everything in me. I was wearing a dress, slip and panty hose. Between the panty hose and adrenaline, I somehow got up, I’d scratched his face and screamed and kicked till I’d managed to wriggle out from under him. I ran to the door screaming help, but no one came. I took off running, screaming and crying. I made it to the hotel lobby and began to feel a little safer. I returned to my friends still at the ball and told them what happened. They immediately left with me and we all headed to our room. I saw the guy on the pay phone in the lobby, I saw the scratches on his face and told my friends that was who tried to rape me. I was so distraught, I didn’t know what to do. I don’t know why I didn’t call the police, I guess since there wasn’t an actual rape, that they wouldn’t believe. I’m 58 now. I’ve struggled since then with being touched, with intimacy and sex. Even when I was married, I had issues. I’ll never forget that night and I’ll probably never be comfortable with a man again, or trust one. It changed me and my life forever. I’m sure it would’ve been even worse, if he’d succeeded raping me. I have self esteem issues as well. I think these feelings can only be understood by others who’ve gone through similar circumstances. I think about it way too often. I wish I could recover my lost self from this terrible experience. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to share my story. Only my friends that were there that night know about it. Love and prayers to all victims/survivors!
— Trina, age 58
Dear Trina – thank you so much for sharing your story here. There may not have been an “actual rape” but that does NOT mean that what happened to you wasn’t really traumatic. I think a lot of the trauma of rape is really the loss of control, the loss of trust, and loss of autonomy; not the actual act itself. You are absolutely entitled to feel whatever you need to; please don’t worry about what might have happened if he’d raped you. I would encourage you to talk to a therapist about your experience and issues that you’re having with touch. You may never forget that night but I do believe it’s possible to heal and be comfortable with a man again – with the right communication and the right person. And you deserve your self esteem back because you matter!!! You may not be the same woman you were before but you deserve to heal. I believe in you. Love, Alexis