I found this website a few days after everything happened. That was exactly one year ago as of today. I don’t like to admit the words out loud. It makes me feel dirty and makes my chest collapse until I can’t breathe. Over the last year I’ve gotten really good at ignoring the thoughts when they filter through. I can’t do that tonight and I don’t want to talk about it with anybody but at the same time my whole body just wants to release all this horrible shit I’m feeling and move on. I don’t know how to do that. There are days when I can be surrounded by people who love me and I love them back and yet I feel so alone and depressed. Then the complete opposite happens and I’m the happiest person alive. I don’t think I should still be having these drastic mood swings a year later and I don’t know what to do. I think I need professional help but I can’t bring myself to speak the words out loud and share what happened to me.
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Even if you do get professional help, no one will force you to say it out loud, don’t worry about that. You should really go for it, it will help you a lot and you won’t regret it
Thank you so much for sharing this here. The words you use to describe your experience are entirely your choice. For me I’ve found that the words I use shift as my views on my experience shift and with time and my mood and lots of other things. In any case, I can promise you that you are NOT dirty!!! What you’re describing – the feelings of being alone even when you are with people who love you – really resonate with me. So does wanting to release everything you’re dealing with. I think your instincts are really good in thinking about seeing a professional. When you find one, they can help you speak the words (or maybe even process without speaking, depending on their modality and what you want). They can also help you figure out how to share what happened with people you trust and you love, if that’s something you want to do. The truth is that I know a year feels like a long time, but if you haven’t really processed and released what happened to you it’s really not a long time. Even if you had, the way we react to trauma is really individual and having those kinds of moodswings after a year is what your body needs to do. It’s ok. But you can heal and move on – with time and work and support and love. Sending you lots of light, Alexis