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Always the Girls Fault

He was my best friend. I had known him nearly a couple months then he started flirting with me. By that stage we were inseparable best friends. It started with asking for pictures which i gave into 3 times, hoping he’d stop. He did. The first time he asked me to hangout at his house, wed hung out millions of times before but not alone. I did not want to see him alone because of the snapchat incidents so invited another friend and it was all good. Then when the friend left i was alone with him. He wanted to show me his bed room which seemed normal. Next minute he pushes me onto the bed and starts kissing me and hes quite a lot bigger than me but i whispered no, well at least i thought i did. Then he fingered me, i was kind of frozen, it didn’t really occur to me that i had a choice in the matter and so i kinda let him do his things. Eventually i got away. I told my friend what happened as soon as i got home because i was so overwhelmed and she was like that’s sexual assault thats not okay i’m like no its not but ill tell him i didn’t like it. He kinda just shook it off and he was my best friend so i kinda just forgot and moved on. About 6 months later we were at a party together and i had some drinks. It was my first time drinking and he knew, he pretended to be drinking and kept re filling mine. All i really remember is him undoing my pants and fingering me, kissing me making me touch him and i was to drunk to push him away. The next morning the girl who seen what he had done told my friend but they all thought it was normal as i wasn’t really yelling for help. By now he was pressuring me again for pictures i sent 2 then stopped as did he. The next time he assaulted me was at another social gathering. In the room he covered me with a blanket then fingered me but i was so scared of him st this stage and he knew that, he knew he had power. He asked to go to the bathroom and tired to drag me there but i said no. Everyone thought that we were like best friends that liked each other but really he was just in power over me. About a couple months after that is the night he raped me. In my own home with a witness, the witness was male. By this stage i was absolutely terrified of him and what he would do to me so when he started to undress me i half heartedly pushed him away and said no, i pushed against his shoulders trying to stop him inserting but he was to strong and pined me down. It hurt so much i wanted to yell but he covered my mouth. It was dark and i couldn’t move or hear or see and i was paralyzed by fear because my best friend was attacking me. He held me in a grasp i couldn’t leave, he feel asleep but i didn’t want to wake him and eventually i feel asleep. I woke up 3 more times that night to him fingering me. The next morning i was so so so shocked and couldn’t believe what happened. I to ld my friend 1 week after it happened and she told me it was rape he should go to jail. I was like it wasn’t rape hes my best friend. I told her it was my fault because i should have screamed and pushed him away. It took me a few months to actually believe it was rape. After he raped me i went overseas for 6 months, blocked him from everything and came home hoping it would be okay. I unblocked him on fb for professional reasons. I left my phone lying around and he unblocked himself on sc and the harassing sc started again. I hadn’t really fully grasped the concept of rape and sexual assault so he was kinda my friend again. Until one night he made me take him home. He started feeling me up while i was driving begging me to let him drive and i was terrified and he knew he was in power again. He knew that, i let him drive, he drove for half an hour while touching me. I begged him to go home. He did then he didn’t get out. I sat as far away from him and he pulled me into a position he could lean over and press him self against me and kiss me while feeling me and i pushed him away. He got out then. After that i had enough i told me friend and we took it to some people that had lots of power in the place that we regularly see each other. I told them what happened and they talked to him but he said i led him on by kissing him and flirting with him. There was definitely flirting when we first meet the 3 years before but not then. But they believed him. They thought i made it up. The officer we talked to, he said “he’s just a boy, if u kiss him he will think you are his girlfriend. Its how boys are. Boys have feelings for anything and everything.” He asked me to write him a letter to apologize and i was outraged. I felt sick i got the blame for him assaulting me? It took me until a year after to actually believe it was rape and to stop blaming myself for the rape happening to me. Its been just over a year since the actual rape. Now, hardly anyone believes me. People make fun of me and i have started becoming distant with my close friends. I have regular flashbacks and visions related to all the different times. A year on i thought i would be strong but i feel worse and every time i see him it all comes back. Big older males terrify me and i dont like being alone in non public places. Im always scared for my safety and others. Im always worried people are judging me even though they dont know. The thought of sex terrifies me and when my friends talk about it i feel sick. I have had sex since then but its difficult because im tense and it hurts. For those out there never be ashamed of rape. It needs to be spoken about, people need to know its never the girls fault. Fear is a powerful thing anyone can use to advantage. Its always harder when its not a stranger because you trusted them but not everyone is good.

— Survivor, age 19

1 comment

  • Alissa Ackerman


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