Am I really that broken?

My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. We’re in a seemingly happy relationship but there’s a few things that don’t sit right with me. When Kyle and I first met he was a friend of a guy i was talking to. I never thought we would end up dating because he wasnt the guy I was interested in. One of the first nights we hung out we ended up at the same party towards the end of the night kyle asked me for a ride to his friends house(the one I’d been talking to) I was quick to agree it wasn’t far out of the way. We got just down the road from his house and he told me he didn’t have a key so he didn’t think he’d be able to get in so he didn’t know what to do. Since I knew him through friends I figured it was safe to offer him my couch for the night and it was. We ended up being friends and on weekends we would go to the same party’s and at the end of the night he’d ask to crash at my place. It was never a problem until one night. I woke up and he was in my bed confused I asked him why he had left the couch. He complained that his back hurt and said he’d go back to the couch if he had to (in a real sad feel sorry for me type of way) so I told him he could stay just not to try anything he agreed and I went back to sleep only to wake up to him rubbing on me rubbing my stomach feeling me up and even trying to touch my vagina. I set up really quick when I came to and realized what was happening. I looked back at him and he acted like he had been sleeping and I’d woke him up I told him not to touch me and he agreed but in a confused I didn’t touch you way. So I thought maybe I was dreaming that up I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 8 years and maybe I was missing him or dreaming of him I dunno I chalked it up to it all being in my head. The next weekend it was the same as usual we ended up at the same party. I had had a bit to much to drink and decided to call it an early night and was surprised when Kyle came and asked to come with me but agreed regardless. We got back to my house and I went to lay down but he protested “are you really going to bed I figured you’d atleast hang out with me for a little while” so I agreed to watch a movie with him. We made a pallet on the floor and layed down to watch a movie. I guess I dozed off the next thing I remember is waking up and he was inside of me I started to freak out and in that same instant he was cumming on my back. We had never kissed or been romantic in any way and when he had tried to make a pass at me before I shut it down instantly telling him I was really interested in his friend and didn’t want to mess that up. I sat up and asked him what the fuck just happened and he just apologized for not lasting very long and told me I had been into it the whole time. Confused and still drunk I just went back to sleep “I’ll deal with it in the morning”. When I woke up the next day it still wasn’t sitting right I’d only had sex with 4 men in my life and all of them were long term relationships where we’d wait months or even years before taking the plunge. I hated myself I hated myself for ruining things I had liked the other guy for years and I just fucked him over with his best friend. I tried to tell myself it’s not my fault but it had to be it has to be. Id already been raped 2 times and I was only 22 what kind of person does it make me look like if I claim a 3rd and on top of that my ex boyfriend always told me I needed him he told me something like this would happen if we broke up. I couldn’t be weak and tell people then how would I look. How would anyone believe me when I had obviously opened up my house to this man. I set myself up for it. These are the things that justified it in my head and scared of adding another mark to my bed post so to speak I decided we had already done it so why not continue to do it. It’s been five years now and I hate the person I was. I hate that I was so weak and I gave in not only just to not tell anyone but to let it turn into a relationship a five year relationship at that. I can’t seem to understand why he thought it was okay to treat me like that and why I thought it was okay to let him. Am I really that broken that I can’t tell the difference between abuse and love.

— Ashley,