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An Unknown Face & Hands

I was almost killed. I never thought I would utter those words let alone write them on a public website like this. I’ve written here before but that was a while ago, about a rape that happened almost 3 years ago.

It’s happened countless times in my life already, I’ve been beaten, raped, sexually assaulted and nothing happened. No one cared and still today, no one ever will.

In January of this year I went to a house party with a few friends, who later, would leave me in a room blackout drunk. The party wasn’t far from my college campus,so i was surprised when I didn’t know anyone besides my friends at the party. I still decided to drink and have a good time though. I don’t remember much about that night, just the drinks and just the smoke in the air from people smoking and doing drugs. That’s the last thing I vividly remember outside of that bedroom.

I drank a lot, I flirted some, and I guess I did have it coming.

After a few hours of being at the party I passed out and i blacked out. I was laying in a bed cold and my friends just left me there so I figured, well as long as no one comes in, I’m fine.

Later the memories would be hazy, it would be smoky in the room and I would be struggling without being able to move.

The only memory I have is feeling like I couldn’t breathe and unimaginable pain. I’d been raped before, i knew what was being done to me, but something else wasn’t right. I tried to move but my arms only twitched, I opened my eyes and all I see was a shadow on top of me and long black hair.

I can feel him hurting me, I can feel his hot hand smack me across my face and hold my arms down. I start crying, but as soon as he realizes that I’m awake..he starts to strangle me. I can feel his sweaty hands around my neck, I can smell the alcohol on his breathe, I can feel his sweat on me, I can hear his moaning and grunting for what felt like forever but was probably only minutes.

I thought “this is it…I’m finally going to die. He’s gonna kill me….” I blacked out and when I woke up..I couldn’t believe it.

I didn’t die…but I wish I had.

After that happened I wore scarves until my bruises healed on my neck. I wore long sleeves and covered my body as much as i could, I even saw a makeup artists who could help me cover my bruises on my face. It was winter time, so all this was easy, until the nightmares started and the ptsd set in.

This time I knew what to expect but it still shocked me every morning that I woke up with bleeding scratches on my neck.

I never went to the police…I’d been through that twice and nothing happened, even with evidence.
I knew they would call me a drunk. I knew they would just label me a statistic and drop the case weeks or months later.

Today, I still have flashbacks, I still get nightmares and I still wish I had died. Today I’m alive just for the sake of suffering everyday, but things will get better at some point, I’ll be okay someday, just not today. I don’t intend on going to the police, or telling anyone what happened…this is my secret.

— Survivor, age 21


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