I was almost killed. I never thought I would utter those words let alone write them on a public website like this. I’ve written here before but that was a while ago, about a rape that happened almost 3 years ago.
It’s happened countless times in my life already, I’ve been beaten, raped, sexually assaulted and nothing happened. No one cared and still today, no one ever will.
In January of this year I went to a house party with a few friends, who later, would leave me in a room blackout drunk. The party wasn’t far from my college campus,so i was surprised when I didn’t know anyone besides my friends at the party. I still decided to drink and have a good time though. I don’t remember much about that night, just the drinks and just the smoke in the air from people smoking and doing drugs. That’s the last thing I vividly remember outside of that bedroom.
I drank a lot, I flirted some, and I guess I did have it coming.
After a few hours of being at the party I passed out and i blacked out. I was laying in a bed cold and my friends just left me there so I figured, well as long as no one comes in, I’m fine.
Later the memories would be hazy, it would be smoky in the room and I would be struggling without being able to move.
The only memory I have is feeling like I couldn’t breathe and unimaginable pain. I’d been raped before, i knew what was being done to me, but something else wasn’t right. I tried to move but my arms only twitched, I opened my eyes and all I see was a shadow on top of me and long black hair.
I can feel him hurting me, I can feel his hot hand smack me across my face and hold my arms down. I start crying, but as soon as he realizes that I’m awake..he starts to strangle me. I can feel his sweaty hands around my neck, I can smell the alcohol on his breathe, I can feel his sweat on me, I can hear his moaning and grunting for what felt like forever but was probably only minutes.
I thought “this is it…I’m finally going to die. He’s gonna kill me….” I blacked out and when I woke up..I couldn’t believe it.
I didn’t die…but I wish I had.
After that happened I wore scarves until my bruises healed on my neck. I wore long sleeves and covered my body as much as i could, I even saw a makeup artists who could help me cover my bruises on my face. It was winter time, so all this was easy, until the nightmares started and the ptsd set in.
This time I knew what to expect but it still shocked me every morning that I woke up with bleeding scratches on my neck.
I never went to the police…I’d been through that twice and nothing happened, even with evidence.
I knew they would call me a drunk. I knew they would just label me a statistic and drop the case weeks or months later.
Today, I still have flashbacks, I still get nightmares and I still wish I had died. Today I’m alive just for the sake of suffering everyday, but things will get better at some point, I’ll be okay someday, just not today. I don’t intend on going to the police, or telling anyone what happened…this is my secret.
— Survivor, age 21
Dear Survivor,
You are indeed very brave – it may not feel like it. This isn’t your fault – even though may not it feel like it – for the hundredth time ! Please stop blaming your self. You are not alone – even though it may not feel like it. We are all here for you. We get it. We understand. It is Ok. You are safe. You are in our thoughts and prayers We are proud of you for writing this blog.
I get what it is like to think your going to die. I was hit, strangled, choked and suffocated as I was held down by this very angry twit that I thought was a friend. I didn’t know it was gong to happen. I had no warning. I thought I was going to die. I tried my hardest to fight but I wasn’t strong enough. I couldn’t breathe so I let go of my life. It was only by God’s saving grace that he heard someone coming, and I am live today. I was 11 at the time. I am almost 46 now and yes I have been through a lot and yes like a lot of us I had Ptsd.
It feels like it will take forever to get through but You know you will be Ok. It is never easy – no matter how many times you go through it. You may not realize it but you are strong – ( It is written within the words of your blog.)
Please do your self the biggest favor and stay away from the Drinking, Smoking, Drug – Partying scene – and those people that go with it. You know you can do way better than hanging with that lot. When you are ready please go find yourself some good friends who will stick by you no matter what and not leave you in some room – blacked out drunk and vulnerable to who knows what.
Life may not be very fair but it will get better. This will not go on forever – even though it doesn’t feel like it right now.
Sending you the biggest of hugs.
You are incredibly brave. Things will get better. Make them better. This is your life. Consider talking to someone. It really does help x
Dear Survivor,
What Meg has said in the comment above is very true – this is your life. Do take charge and take some steps to make your life better – you don’t deserve anything less. It will get better.
Earlier this year I was re traumatized and I didn’t know if at that point if I was going to choose to get up again as there just seemed to be no point in bothering any more. I have never felt so much despair. But then I took one step and then gradually another step and gradually things are beginning to turn around – though I didn’t think it was possible at the time.
You will get through this. You can do this. Yes – Please do consider talking to someone. What Meg said It is a really good idea – Choosing to talk to some one can be a little daunting at first for some but it will be Ok. It may not seem like it at the moment but I know you will get there.
I am talking to someone at the moment ( something that I chose for myself to do ) and for the first time ever it seems to be working – and I have had a long, long journey. It really does help – especially when you seek out and find someone you listens and hears your heart. Please don’t settle for any thing less.
More hugs to you – you are in my thoughts.
I just want you to know I too used to feel and believe that my rape was my fault, but I promise you it was not your fault. Now looking back I find it crazy that I used to think it was my fault when now it is just clear it could never be my fault, I hope you feel this way soon. You are a survivor and I am in Pain with you, you are not alone and I am so sorry for what happend to you