Anxiety

I am a german girl, 20 years old. A few weeks ago I went skiing with my dad for a few days. After skiing we went to a bar for aprés ski where we met some guys from switzerland. We had a lot of fun and when my dad wanted to go back to our hotel I decided to stay with my new friends. We went to a disco about 1.5 kilometers from our hotel. I think it was about 1 o´clock when I became tired and wanted to go to bed. I decided to walk back to the hotel. Alone. There have been a lot of people in the streets but then I had to go through a tunnel. At the end of the tunnel there was a driveway to the garage of a hotel. Suddenly somebody grabbed my arm and pulled me back at the end of that driveway. I screamed but there haven’t been people anymore and I think nobody heard me or nobody wanted to. He was tall and strong. His breath smelled like alcohol and cigarettes. His hair was dark but I cannot remember his face although I still see it in my dreams. He wasn’t german I think. When he told my to shut up I heard a strange accent. I beat around me and tried to hit his face but he was too strong. He slapped me once, twice and I was quiet. I resigned and left my body up to him. After he raped me his hand hit my face again and he walked away. I sank down on the floor. I wasn’t able to move or breathe or even cry. I have no idea how long I sat there on the floor. It must have been at least three or four hours. I felt dirty, used, disgusting. I was afraid of going back to the hotel. I didn’t know how to explain to my dad what happened. I walked around directionless and I cried. I wanted to die. A group of girls found me and picked me up. They helped me calm and cool my face. I am still thankful for their help. It was about six o’clock in the morning when I was back in the hotel. Later I told my dad what happened. He was shocked and I think he was reproaching himself for leaving me alone. But it was not his fault!!! That could have happened everywhere. I didn’t wanted to go to the police because I wasn’t able to describe my rapist. I was afraid they would say it was my own fault because I walked home alone.

This is now 26 days ago and I still don’t know how to move on. I survive day by day. There are moments of joy but most of the time I feel empty, dirty, misunderstood, afraid. I am afraid of going outside alone. Afraid of going to the supermarket or to gym. I feel naked and defenseless and I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to be in my body. I feel hate. Hate against the man who did this to me, hate against society, hate against the whole world. But I don’t want to quit. I don’t want to give him the power to destroy my life. I don’t know how but I want to make a difference and I want to have a voice. I want to be heard to help me and other girls.

— Linda, age 20