Assault?

I don’t even know how to start this, but I guess I need another opinion… so here it goes.
A few weeks ago, I was at my friend’s frat. He’s a really great guy, and I am friends with both him and his girlfriend, so I have always felt comfortable around him. Anyways, he invited me to a small party they were having, and I decided to go because I thought it would be fun, even though his girlfriend was out of town, and I am better friends with her. I planned to spend the night there because I wasn’t about to drive home drunk, and I had been there a ton of times before and everyone had always been really nice to me. Many of my other girl friends had also slept there before, so I didn’t feel uncomfortable about it or anything.

Anyways, by the time I decided to go to bed, I was pretty out of it and felt sort of like I was going to puke, so my friend showed me the room that he said I could sleep in, and then left to grab me a charger since I forgot mine. While he was gone, another guy that I had just met at the party, who’s also in the frat, came in. He sat down next to me and just kept getting closer. At the time I was so drunk that what he was doing didn’t seem weird at all. He even asked if I felt uncomfortable, and I told him no, that I was fine. Then we started to make out, and it wasn’t bad or anything, but things started to escalate really fast. By this point I was so drunk I couldn’t really process what was going on; I pretty much just wanted him to hurry up and leave, so I could go to bed. For some reason, I felt like I couldn’t tell him to stop what he was doing, and I think I even asked if he had a condom, but mostly just because I didn’t want to get an STD or pregnant. He said we wouldn’t have sex, and I’m pretty sure we didn’t, but he fingered me and made me touch him even though I wasn’t really in a state to be capable of reciprocating anything. I think I might have passed out at some point and he was just sort of moving my body and hands for me.

I know I’m in college, but I have never done any of those things before, so it hurt me. I think at some point he stopped to lock the door. He even started asking me questions about my major and stuff, maybe like he was trying to see if I was sober enough or something, even though he saw me almost puke before I went to bed and even held my hair back in case I did.

After he locked the door and finished quizzing me or whatever, he started doing stuff again. At this point, I just remember snippets of what happened, and what he did. Here a when I must have blacked out or something. The next thing I remember is sitting up suddenly and trying to ask for a trash can, and I must not have made much sense because he was all confused and didn’t get it. Then I puked all over the floor, and I guess he left to go grab some stuff to clean it up and unlocked the door because the next thing I remember my friend was back and he was talking to me. The other guy was still there, and my friend must have left for a little to grab more cleaning stuff, and the guy started making out with me again, and I only remember thinking that it must be gross since I just puked and that I couldn’t believe we were kissing again. My friend returned at some point and asked the guy to go and grab something, and that is when I finally was able to push through the fog a little and try to tell my friend that I didn’t like the other guy. I guess I told him that a few times, but I don’t remember that part, he told me that the next morning. After that, my friend kicked him out and sat with me till I fell asleep, then slept in the other bed in the room, so no one else would bug me, and in case I puked again.

The next morning, I woke up and I was really confused and could only remember snippets of what had happened the night before, and I didn’t have any pants or underwear on. I didn’t even know where they were, so I had to search around the room for them without waking my friend up because I didn’t want him to see me pretty much naked, in case he didn’t notice last night because it was really dark (even though he probably did). I texted my friend’s girlfriend because she knew I was there, and knows the people in the frat, and I didn’t really know what happened or what to even think about it. I just wanted to hear what someone else would think, but she texted her boyfriend what I told her and then when he woke up he started asking me all of these questions about it, and I felt super uncomfortable. He said they would take “disciplinary action” or something, but I never heard anything about it after that. I also felt really bad about it because I guess she was yelling at him for leaving me alone, but I didn’t even want her to say anything to him about what happened in the first place because I didn’t even know what to think about it. Also, my friend was really nice to me that night, and he didn’t do anything wrong or deserve to be screamed at. I just knew that if I had been sober, I would never have gone so far with that guy. I also feel like my friend doesn’t like me as much now after that whole thing, but it might just be me overthinking it. I mean, I made a lot of extra work for him and stuff, and I feel so bad about it.

When I finally got home, I remember going to the bathroom and seeing hickeys on my neck and not even remembering getting them. My bra was ripped in multiple places and I had cuts under my breasts from the wires where he yanked on it too hard. There was blood in my underwear and I hurt for days after. I remember him being too rough with me, but I don’t remember getting the cuts or anything like that. I remember wanting to tell him to stop, and that he was hurting me but not being able to communicate that. I guess I was most concerned that I couldn’t remember most of what happened to me that night because I passed out. I am also really embarrassed about it because I puked all over, had a conversation with my friend naked, was naked in front of a guy I didn’t really know, and we were being really loud in the room, so people probably thought we were hooking up. Also, a lot of my friends hang out there, and I know I will have to go back at some point, so if my friend made the whole thing a big deal, then all of the guys there probably hate me. And what if what happened wasn’t a big deal because I never told him to stop, should he really get in trouble for that? I just don’t know. I mean I obviously woke up and was not happy about what happened at all, but I didn’t do anything to stop it.

I guess I’m not really sure if this whole thing was just a misunderstanding like he tried to talk to me and stuff, or I guess what any of that was. I just don’t know what to think about the whole thing, and some people have said that I was stupid to think I could drink then stay at my friend’s frat and that I was just asking for something like this to happen. Some people said I was taken advantage of… but I’m not sure what to even call this. All I know is that I am so embarrassed about what happened and self-conscious and I can’t even eat anymore. I have never really had any experience with boys either, and I’m afraid that I will be making out with a guy and freak out suddenly and then I will be even more embarrassed. Especially considering that other people go through way worse, so I feel like I don’t have the right to freak out about something dumb like this.

If you have read this far, thank you! I just needed to share and maybe get a different opinion on my situation.

Thank You!

— Survivor, age 19