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At Least He Didn’t Rape You

What if you weren’t raped? What if all your life you’ve been told…at least he didn’t rape you. That’s my story.

My first two memories in life are of my father beating my mother and of him touching me and making me perform sexual acts on him. I don’t know how old I was when it all started but I do know that I was sixteen when it ended. I recall him taking me out of school at the age of fourteen (doctor’s appointment was the excuse), he then took me home to do the same old things. I remember sitting on a chair crying begging him not to do this. To remember how it felt when it was done to him. (He was sent to an orphanage at age two where he was also abused), then I remember saying “I wish I was dead.” At that moment he grabbed me by the hair, took me to a tub full of water and tried to drown me. I don’t know why he stopped but he did. Afterward he continued his sexual acts. Then at age sixteen he lied and told me I was going on a trip with my cousins. He made me pack some clothes and took me. Along the way I realized he was lying. When he saw that I knew, he told me he was finally going to rape and kill me. I tried to jump out of the car but he sped up. We arrived at the hotel and he made me hide in the back of the car so he could check the room. Something was wrong with the a/c in the room so he went to complain about it. At this time I remember there was a cornfield by the hotel and on the other side of this field there was a repair shop. I jumped out of the car and ran to the shop terrified. When I got there the men called the police and my father was taken away. I am now 40 years old. I was able to forgive my father many years ago. But the effect of what he did to me so many years ago still lingers in many different ways. What hurt me most was the reaction of family (including my mother) when they would tell me….”at least he didn’t rape you” as though having endured 16 years of this abuse was nothing.

— Laura

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