Bad Decisions

I was raped this year at the end of April. 2 1/2 months before my wedding day by a man who knew I was engaged and still did what he did anyway.
I blame myself for drinking alone with this man, letting my guard down and becoming too intoxicated, I blame myself for letting him kiss me, stick his fingers in me, his attempts to push my mouth onto his penis, I especially blame myself for letting him walk me to his room; where I felt so out of place, it was like I wasn’t in my body, it was like a movie or watching what was going on from afar. I kept my eyes tight and hugged myself and hoped he would stop, I said no but I didn’t scream but when he rolled me over and put himself in me “there”…I started to panic. I was so drunk I couldn’t feel anything but I knew it wasn’t good. I tried crawling away on my stomach and tried to get him off.

I couldn’t believe what had happened, had this seriously just happened?! And when I looked down and saw my pants were still around my ankles and hearing him beckoning for me to have a shower with him saying to me jokingly “you acted like I violated you.” That’s when I snapped back into myself, pulling on my clothes and running out the door. I didn’t care about people staring at me and didn’t stop. I was scared he was going to drive after me to try and stop me.

I went to the hospital but only because I live near it did I stop there, else I probably wouldn’t of gone. But because my (now) husband worked security there the hospital staff had to hide me because I was ashamed. The worst part of the night, after the rape, that you never hear about is the rape kit that happens or not being able to have a shower, and having them take all your clothes. No one talks about it and I felt violated all over again. At the moment this is all going through court.

I hope he goes away. His name is Jay Gwen and he raped me.

— Survivor, age 26