A girl I date recently came forward to me about 2 occurrences. I really don’t know how to feel about it all because she is a victim of rape but she also put herself in each situation it occurred. The summer after her freshman year of college she went to Europe for two weeks. She got way too intoxicated before clubbing. At the club she was wasted and apparently made out with 8 older men, the bartender and snoop into VIP. Her friend she was abroad with told her to chill out and she said no and continued to do the same activities. Frustrated her friend left and went back to the hospital. The next morning she woke up without her underwear on and with a lollipop in her hand. She didn’t remember anything except getting in a taxi after the club. Later that day, people who she shared the room with told her that she was having extremely loud sex that woke everyone up and she continued to say no but nobody helped. She has no clue who her attacker is.
A year later on New Year’s Eve she drank too much again before going to the bars. Again she doesn’t remember anything except waking up at 5am passed out on a bed fully clothed being raped by a short fat Indian man. She started crying got her belongings and left. She has only told me about this. That night I was on vacation and she kept trying to send me her location and call me but was too drunk to make words, she said she thinks she didn’t feel safe. At first she told me she woke up drunk on a random couch but I called the bluff because I suspected her of cheating on me. When she told me the news it killed me, I felt like I should be the one to protect her but I could not.
I really don’t know how to feel about it because although she was raped she could have avoided the situation by controlling her alcohol consumption. I just want girls to be very aware that evil men exist and these shit hole people prey on you when you are most vulnerable. Please do not consume alcohol to a point where you will blackout. I don’t want anything like this to happen to any other girls. It kills me. Please be safe out there ladies and don’t let your guard down. If you are a victim, report it. She never reported it and there is nothing more that I want for than for that fuckface to see justice or a grave.
So, I won’t tell you how to feel about what happened to your girlfriend. However, I will say a few things. First things first, certainly every person has to do their best to stay safe HOWEVER drinking does NOT mean that a sexual assault is the fault of the victim. Ever. It doesn’t matter how drunk a woman is; if se didn’t consent, it’s not ok. There’s an unconscious implication in telling women not to drink that if something does happen someone is drunk that it’s their fault. This isn’t true and I don’t think is what you meant, but these kinds of statements can drive deep seeded beliefs.
Which leads me to my second point – reporting it. I completely understand that reporting sounds like an easy process but the truth sometimes there’s no one to report it to. Sometimes.the person you want to report it to is your assailant. Or sometimes you want to report it but fear you won’t be believed OR fear being blamed. Because, for example. you were drunk or walking alone. The really sad truth is that even if she had reported it, very few rapists are ever punished by any sort of “official” legal means.
I would encourage both you and your girlfriend to talk to a therapist (probably separately but I’m not an expert). A therapist can help you sort out your feelings about what happened to her because it’s not your fault that you weren’t there any more than it is her fault. The blame lies with the perpetrators and no one else. I wish you both healing and peace. All the best, Alexis