It’s almost 2 years since I last sent my story here about me being ADHD and dyslexic, my horrific mom and my grandpa and his friends who did those things but this is not about them. This is another experience. Another hi to abuse
So as stated above I have a horrific mom. My dad is drug dependent so I had to look or find another family member to take care of me. Just to refresh my grandpa abused me from 6 years old and then when I was turning 8 he also encouraged his friends to do the same in which they did without being conscientious. After that I left the house and found my half brother.
At first, he guaranteed he would never do the same. He fed my empty stomach and made me bathe for I was too dirty and did not took a bath for days just to find him. I hoped this story had a happy ending but then it was a just a start of making more painful memories. This was another refrain but with different characters. Same process: Gaining your trust then getting to their ulterior motive. Thought he was a brother but he never was. If I would refuse he would threaten to commit suicide and since he was a brother I just submitted and with that I think I am being weak and stupid for allowing myself to be treated like that again.
Fast forward to now: I have a great husband and a great daughter. We are just living day to day and could not afford a therapist. My husband sometimes thinks there is something wrong with him when in fact everything about me is wrong and not him. This is consuming me and I don’t know what to do. I have been blocking these and as a result my nightmares worsened. How? I don’t even know what to ask. I just wanna live a good life, a good and normal life
— Ana, age 28
I highly, highly encourage you as a strong survivor of sexual abuse to seek help! Please, look around to find places that may take your insurance if you have it. You can’t treat it with silence, it will only fester beneath the skin and get worse. Resources are available, just not always easy to find. Confide in your husband and use your support system to the fullest. Have him help find you help. Recovery doesn’t start with suffering in silence, you deserve to validate these feelings you have. They are completely normal and rational with what you’ve been through. You are NOT alone in this, so many of us women have been through the same thing. It’s scary and it sticks with you no matter how hard you try to repress it. I’m sorry you’re going through these feelings, but it does get better with time when you have the resources. You’ve got a loving family that will stand with you and I’m sure plenty of people on this forum feel the same exact way as you, and love you in a way that people who have never felt these things never will. I wish you the absolute best, Ana, age 28. You’re a strong woman, you can get through this.
Dear Ana – thank you so much for posting here. I’m really grateful that you felt safe not only to post your story the first time but to come back. If you look in the “Get Help” section of this website there are some organizations that offer free counseling to survivors of sexual abuse. If you’re near one, it might be worth looking into. Also there are some online resources like chat rooms or hotlines. They’re not substitutes for therapy but one of the counselors might be able to help you work through how to talk to your husband and your daughter (if you want) about your experiences. What happened was NOT your fault and it’s normal for you to be struggling but having the support of those you love can really help. Sending you lots of love, Alexis
Alexis,
To piggyback, you are absolutely right. It is not her fault. Not for looking for her brother, not for trusting, not for any of the abuse.
The only fault lies with the perpetrator(s).
There are free resources. I hope you find healing and peace♡.