Betrayed

It has only been 5 years since my assault. I still cant eveneven use theb”R” word. It sounds so vulgar and demeaning. I was betrayed by my friend & roomate. I remember bits and pieces but most is still a blur. I know i said no, asked and told him to stop but he kept going. I had no control over what was going on. (Later I was told i was most likely drugged)I woke up the next morning completely out of it. I washed my clothes, and sheets, washing most if not all the evidence away. I even showered, i still dont know why i did that. It was all surreal. It was an out of body experience, and I wasnt myself.

After a few weeks I broke down and saw a counselor, aftwr several months and knly crying twice thru the whole thing i convinced her i was “better” I went along with life, shoveling it all away pretending I was okay. But it always creeps back in waves. The depression, lonilness, shame, anger anx embarrassment.
I recently sent him a message. It was read but he never replied. I cant say i was expecting an apology since that would mean he would admit what he did. But in the back of my head i want an apology just like as much as i was to take back that night.

I just want this nightmare to be over. I cant afford counseling , i stay at home in my house and have no friends. This is the worst pain ever and it never seems lime it is going to end.. and its been 5 years.