Sometime during the night of November 20, 2010, I was raped. Not by a stranger or an evil villain hiding in some dark alley that caught me off guard and raped then beat me and left me for dead. No, I was raped by someone I knew, and not just and acquaintance but someone I knew very well and trusted with all my being. I was raped by my best friend’s husband, in the guest room of their home, while she lay sleeping in their bed only 50 feet away. How the evening of November 20th started: My best [then] friend, her husband (the rapist) and 3 other couples went to an annual event at a local hotel in our little town. My husband works at the hotel and had worked all day there so he chose not to go to the event with us even though we had purchased tickets in advance. All of us had drinks and wine before we left their home and 2 more glasses of wine each at the event. We were only at the event for less than an hour when both my friend and I started feeling very “drunk”. That in itself was very unusual because we drank wine together all of the time and we never felt that way after only 4 glasses. My friend’s husband decided he had better get us out of there so he rounded everyone up to leave. The car was valet parked so by the time the car arrived, I had passed out in the driveway and had to be carried into the car, none of which I remember. In fact I don’t remember anything from the time I walked outside of the hotel at the event and up until the moment I opened my eyes and was being raped. I later learned that my friend had passed out also and her husband carried us both from the vehicle into their house. He carried her first to their bedroom then me into the guest bedroom. No one else was there but us 3 and he was the only one that was not incapacitated. I believe I was drugged, however there is no proof of that because I didn’t get to the emergency room for the SANE exam until more than 24 hours after the rape occurred. I also believe that my friend was drugged so that she would not be a problem and get in the way of “his plan”. I don’t believe it is a coincidence that we both got so drunk that we both passed out at the same time, in the same place and on the same night. I was unconscious for most of the rape but when I came to; I saw the shadow of a very tall man towering over me. I knew who he was and I think I may have even tried asking him what he was doing, when I realized he was raping me. I screamed as loud as I could but I didn’t hear my scream. I fought as hard as I could fight, but I was not moving. I tried kicking and punching him and tried to squirm away but he was still pounding his body into mine. It was if I was paralyzed and I had to watch everything that he was doing to me without the ability to do anything to stop it. He was hurting me and I was helpless and scared. He had total control over me.
Our lives changed that night and we will never be the same. My husband and I filed charges on my best friend’s husband for raping me and when the grand jury finally got our case, he was “no-billed” (failed to indict). If there had been any relief of pain in the 4 month’s that past, it was all back and worse. We hired a lawyer a filed a civil lawsuit and eventually it went to court and he was found “not guilty”. The words pain and suffering are too small to describe how we felt. We thought that if we went through the pain of reliving my rape, day after day, week after week, month after month for 2 years, that there would be justice. Justice (or injustice) is what it is, and the rapist got away with the crime. We spent 4 days in a courtroom listening to the details of the rape, most of which I didn’t know and learned at the trial. I was made out to be a promiscuous whore and a drunk, while the rapist was made out to be a nice guy and a good friend to anyone that knows him. When I heard “not-guilty” come out of the judge’s mouth in that courtroom at approximately 4:30 p.m. on Thursday, July 26, 2012, I was done! I was done with God. I was done with ever trusting anyone again. I was done with the justice system. I was done with this fight! I (we) had no fight left in us so we just quit fighting.
Since those first few days and weeks of anger, confusion, pain and hurt of that night and enduring the trial, our fight is back with a passion. In the past 4 years we have questioned God, our love, our marriage and we vowed not to let that rapist take these things from us as well. Our marriage and love for each other is now stronger than ever before. Our faith in God is stronger than ever before. We ask God every day, to get us through another day! Life is a giant walk of faith. If we are not counting on God-sized miracles, then we are not really living. We understand that to whom much is given, much is required. Most of all, we believe that in our weakness, He is strong!
We decided that my rapist might have gotten away with his crime, but he would not win and “RapeVine” began. I worked on the idea of the RapeVine for many months before I showed this website to my husband. As soon as he heard me talking so passionately about it, he immediately wanted to be a part of it. He made me see that we have to spread the word of RapeVine as a couple. He, as the secondary rape survivor has as much to offer RapeVine as I do. My rape has given us purpose. We can share our story and our pain and suffering with someone that has been raped and doesn’t know what to do, what to say, where to go, or who to turn to. We want to offer help and support with compassion through the RapeVine. With RapeVine as a rape support network for all rape victims (non-stranger/acquaintance and stranger), secondary survivors and their families, we ultimately WIN!!
– Patty Jackson
Dear Patti,
Your story echoes the experiences of so many survivors who seek justice, only to relive the pain and suffering they hoped to overcome. I have no doubt that when other survivors read this post (or check out RapeVine) that they will see that making meaning and creating purpose out of trauma is possible. Others will find strength and empowerment in your journey. I know that I have found inspiration in your words and actions. Your message brought up a very important point. You may have experienced the rape, but your husband is very much a survivor too. I think it is easy to forget that the people we love are also impacted by trauma. So, thank you for raising this important point and an even bigger thank you for your passion and commitment to support other survivors.
My best friends husband raped me this morning. He held a past transgression over my head and said if I did not copy and do as he said, he would tell my husband. What was the transgression, you wonder? Here it is: My husband and I split up for ten months three years ago, and when we finally decided to talk and work things out, we both left our current partners… Except I ended up having sex with my ex partner one more time, before my husband and I were officially back together, and I called my best friend afterwards, because j felt so terrible. That is the transgression he threatened me with. If I did not undress for him, he would tell my husband. If I did not let him you h me, he would tell my husband. The whole time, I’m bawling my eyes out… He said no peneteation. I agreed. But be did. And I told him no. And he did not stop.
Afterwards, he said he wouldn’t ask me for anything ever again, and that my debt was paid.
July 2, 2016 I was sexually assaulted by my best friend’s husband, in their home, in their son’s bed while the whole family was home. I woke up with him on top of me. He had climbed on top of me, trapping my arm and legs under the blanket. His mouth covered mine as his hands groping me, pulling at my pants. I begged him to stop. Please don’t do this Garrett. Stop. No! Go away. Words escaped when his mouth left my lips to go down my neck to my chest. I finally fought hard enough for him to stop. I payed still & quiet in the darkness for several seconds, listening for him to leave. He didn’t. He mounted me again, in a better position to finish what he started. This time was more determined to have me. Again his mouth covered mine, my face, my neck. His hands all over my body. This time my pleas were louder but also paralyzed by fear. My mind racing, why is he doing this to me? How am I going to tell her? What did I do to welcome this assault? I snapped out of it, bucked him off and yelled his name much more forcefully. Then he disappeared into the kitchen. Blocking me from going to my best friends room. It was 3:37 am.
I am in the beginning of a divorce. Did he think there would be no one to answer to? I pulled my body into a ball and got into a corner and was that way when the sun came up. I called my husband and my mom. Then I told my best friend what had happened through the tears and uncontrollable trembling. Her husband charged me, calling me a liar. He left the room, waking up their children, telling them what “BS” I was saying about him. She asked me if I knew what time this happened. I told her 3:37 am. She said ” that son of a bitch! I woke up & he wasn’t in our bed. I asked him this morning where he was. He said he woke up hungry & went to the kitchen to make a sandwich!” That’s what I heard him doing when he left my bed. She followed him into another room & they began fighting, she said & I quote…” The 10 year old girl was lying too!” What in the hell was she talking about??? I have no clue. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
She has been my very best friend for 29 years, since I was 15 years old. She knew I was telling the truth & she said how sorry she was. She held me as I cried. We packed my belongings & I made the 5 hour drive home. Alone. To an empty house. My whole family & extended family were all out of town for July 4th weekend.
My husband (separated) talked to me most of the way home. He was 12 hrs away on business. Helpless and angry and heartbroken, he was my saving grace.
Alone, I went to the police, I filed charges 20 hrs after the assault. I was told it wasn’t sexual assault, it was assault. A class c misdemeanor. A speeding ticket. I live in Texas. We have laws that better protect dogs & horses. No exaggeration. 36 hours later, alone, I walked into an ER and asked for a forensic nurse to please try and collect saliva off of my body, that I had been sexually assaulted.
It’s been 5 days. My best friend & I have 2 online businesses together. She changed the passwords without telling me. I called the police department today to get an update. No one called me back.
How is it that not only was I attacked in my sleep, but that it’s not really a crime since I was able to keep my pants on, I am losing my dearest friend, our businesses have no hope to survive and become out dream of 25+ years, and I feel so dirty and abandoned. What would I gain by lying? Why would I?
I have no answers. I have no peace. I have nightmares. I live afraid. I trust no one.