My Ex Husband – My Biggest Enemy

I fell in love with him in Greece ( Crete .
I was about 14 years of age and i was so in love. I met him in the street for the first time on his motorbike. He had those brown eyes and hair. My mum knew him because she lived there in his little village for some years. She told me he is a nice gentle boy and so he was. We broke up and we got together again… i learned greek like crazy and we meet like every year.
In the end i was 20 and i got pregnant. I decided to move to crete to him and his family.
He punished me the first time in my face when i was 9 months pregnant. We was lying in the bed and he tried to touch me everywhere. I told him to stop because i was tired and pregnant. He didn’t stop.. He hold me tight and i couldn’t move anymore. So i pushed him away because i got angry. He didn’t care and he tried again, so i pushed him harder away and so he punished me in my face… he punished me from this day on so many times but this first one i remember it the most…its like burning still in my face…
From this day he started raping me silently… i let him do it..i opened my legs because i thought that there is no other way to make him stop…
i still feel so guilty and i think this is the only reason why he never ended in jail…
i never had a broken bone or signs in my face or body but it was rape… i cried while he did it…i told him to stop but he didn’t…
he told me if i wouldn’t let him he would wake up our baby…
in this time i wasn’t in my body…
i was at home in Germany or i watched my baby sleeping…
i ran 2 years later.. i had enough and i went back to Germany..
i told him that i only go for holidays…but i wasn’t.
I came back and i felt shy and dirty and he call me every day and he told me sorry and that we have a child together…and so i did my next big mistake and i forgive him..
So he went to Germany and we live in a little home. He never stopped punishing me.. i cant even remember everything because my body made me to forget it…
i only remember that one time he was searching my laptop and he found a picture of a ex boyfriend and me and he freaked out so badly that he woke up our 2 year old son…he came out and he cried and i lay with him down…
i fell asleep and i woke up because he dragged me on my hair down the bed. i was holding our on in my arms so he fell with me and he cried… he still raped me…i never said something to nobody
i never went to the doctor..
i felt shy…
and i was afraid
so i became other time pregnant.
This was the moment i threw him out.
he stalked me so badly after it, that i loose the baby… at 02.02.2011
He broke into my home 2 times. He wrote me to kill me. We had some hearings in court but he got only some meters to didn’t come close to me or the child…
This is now some years ago..
but he is still allowed to see our son and i see him many times in the street or when we talk about our child.
My child he loves his dad..and thats ok
but what he did to me its not okay.
My doctor diagnosed some weeks ago a trauma and he send me to a psychologist… i was never talking to a psychologist about everything.
i hope i will heal…

— Ines, age 30