Black and Blue

My story is a little different than the ones Ive read. And for a long time I didn’t see it as rape because of what I was reading. I now realize that I was raped an I need to go forward. The first step is to share my story. I was very irresponsible in my first semester of college. I was 18 I attended a community college so the university life was unfamiliar to me. A friend of mine was in a frat so I was invited to many of their events (because I am a girl and they needed more at their events) I didn’t know this was why I was invited at first. I went a few times and knew everyone by name. I remember drinking and taking shots asking a trusted friend if he would take care of me because he only had two beers ( he only drank Corona and there was one in his hand and one in the fridge) the next thing I remember is kissing him on the couch. Then I blinked then I remember being in my underwear throwing up in their bathroom. Then I blinked again. I was awake on the floor of a dorm room. Sore like I had sex and with a head ache like I’d been punched in the face. I got up to get into the nearest bed. My pants were missing and I was cold. I got into the bed of one of the frat boys he tried kissing me and I pushed him away. I had so many questions but I wasn’t afraid to ask as an in appropriate pride overcame me. I didn’t know why I felt proud maybe the rebellious drinking and staying over somewhere while my parents knew not where I was. I had to go home so I found Nolan the guy who was going to take care of me. He was with another girl. I asked him after a long silence in the car ride home if we had sex the night before. He answered yes. I said but why don’t I remember that? He said it was probably because I had too much to drink. I asked how much he had to drink and he said he was drunk but I remember specifically that he didn’t take shots and he only drank Corona. He had two beers that night if that! And a s a frat boy that’s nothing. I felt sick as he held my hand. He told me calmly that I threw punches at him and told him to stop and to get off of me but he kept going because he thought I liked it. I laughed and said so you basically raped me not yet understanding the whole incident. I was so naive and immature and in denial. I didn’t believe it but when I was finally alone, I began to think about my future spouse, my health, my kids. Did this guy have diseases? He did offer me some humorous comfort by saying, “but don’t worry I used a condom.” But could I trust this guy? Absolutely not. I couldn’t tell anyone because of the shame and the guilt. I was drunk and it was my fault I drank till I blacked out not yet 21 not yet aware of my limit. What was I doing at a frat house? My life spiraled down from there with my self confidence evaporating before my eyes. A year later my sister passed away and I had already accepted Jesus as my Savior. But I went to sin like a dog to vomit. I took an uber to old town Pasadena and ended up meeting a friend we went to a bar and I ended up drinking more than I intended. I remember a kiss from a random Mexican guy and my friend was a guy who liked me and got jealous seeing me with a group of Mexican guys. He left me drunk and alone with them. And I just remember crying about my sister and waking up during parts of the rape I was so scared of this guy that I reluctantly went along. He had guns all over his house and told me he was in the military. I didn’t want to end up dead. I was very scared and felt disgusting to the core. Would you consider these two incidents rape? I consider rape sex without consent. I didn’t give these two men consent and they were clearly sober enough to stop they just had a boner bigger than their moral compass I suppose. But now I live with these scars and memories and questions. Do I take responsibility for my actions? That’s all I can do. I can’t take on the burden of a guilty conscience for someone else’s sin. But I do wonder how I can look my fiance in the face and tell him what happened those nights I barely remember . Or how I can face most days without shame or fear of what someone might say. #Iambrave

— Survivor, age 20