Hello, my name is Andrea
If you would have told me 8 months ago that I would be sharing this story and presenting these facts to you, I would not have believed you- not for one moment! But let me start with a bit of my history….
10 years ago, I rededicated my life to God. In doing so, I wanted to honor him by giving up a lifestyle that was leading me down a dark and isolated path. I had been the “fun party girl” in my teens and 20’s; closing down the bars and encouraging the after parties. The bars and attention from guys, the dancing and Karaoke (yes I said Karaoke), was heaven to me; I was in my element! I had so much “fun” with my friends and although I was a “good girl” in much of the world’s standards when it came to being promiscuous, I had a few regretful encounters under the influence. The “fun” that was had the night before always turned into regret and shame the next morning. So much so, I did not want to get out of bed on the weekends except to go out and do it all over again!
Fast forward to 31…. I got involved with a great church and evolved spiritually and became more mature. I gradually gave up the party lifestyle which included avoiding alcohol and abstaining from sexual intercourse until marriage (which saves on a lot of stupid decisions and being hurt by men who only wanted one thing to begin with) For 7-8 years I embraced this lifestyle and they were the best years of my life thus far!
Fast forward again to age 37/38. Trauma interrupted my life in the form of a significant loss. And 2 weeks later, my foster son went back to his mother. I began drinking again, not major, but even going from nothing to a glass of wine is a big deal for someone like me who doesn’t exactly know when enough is enough! (there is a point to why I am giving this background..bear with me!)
Here we are at 40, the drinking has now progressed to a more frequent intake and even being drunk once in a while (I am certain it is to numb the pain of the traumas of the past few years and recent months.) The reason I say all this is because the night I was raped, I had been drinking pretty heavily and was in the company of a guy I had met 2 weeks earlier that was saying ALL the right things to a buzzed girl that had not even kissed a guy for 7 years. I desired to be the object of someones affections once again and just be held if not anything else! I had NO intentions of having sex, but consensually made out with him that night. I don’t know why, but I had a false sense of security and trust and was comfortable with him. He had met my dad and family at a cook out for my uncles birthday (that’s how we met). He was very respectful and down to earth, he had kids, he told me I was beautiful and different from the rest.
It was late, I had been drinking, I was an hour away from home. I made a decision that would change my life. I agreed to stay the night. We were in his camper and one of his friends was sleeping in one of the bunks. I had already made it clear prior to meeting him and his friends at the camp site, if I ended up staying,there would be no sex. I was OK with kissing but no sex! He was so sweet and agreeable. And who instigates sex when a friend is within reaching distance??????!!!!!! Not my style anyhow!
In a second I went from feeling good and having a blast with him to being a victim of rape. I remember the moment I shut down and became an object for him to pleasure himself with. I don’t even remember feeling anything, just numb and confused and in shock. I asked him to stop several times and he kept saying it was OK because he was not going to go anywhere and we would be a couple. I laid there for what seemed like hours while his friend slept next to us, my head hitting the side of the camper because of the forceful thrusting and him putting me into different sexual positions as if I was a rag doll. There was a moment where I asked him if he was wearing a condom. He said no and then put one on and went back at it. I guess I figured if I didn’t have a choice of having sex at least it would be safer for me if he decided he would put on a condom. It took him forever to finish, so toward the end, I instinctively lifted my shirt to expose my breasts thinking that might help him to finish so it would be over!
When he was finally done, he got off of me, went to the bathroom, came back and pulled me really close to him without a word. I laid there in shock for about 2 hours and could not move. I finally got some courage to get up and dressed and leave! I did not know that I should have gone straight to the hospital for a rape kit, I did not know that I shouldn’t wash my clothes or my body until I told someone. I also deleted all texts that would of helped me to prove this really happened to me and his side of the story was untrue. I wanted to get rid of him and those were the ways that made the best sense at the time.
I made some bad choices that night and if I had never started drinking again, I am sure it would not have happened. I went through a period of guilt and shame thinking of all the things a defense lawyer would challenge me with…like the alcohol consumption, the making out, the comment made about the condom and lifting my shirt. One day the guilt disappeared and I just accepted that it was 100% not my fault!!!!
Then i allowed fear to take over. I was scared that he would retaliate since I found out later he has previous assault charges.
But the fear is getting better as well. A month after the rape, I filed charges and although the process has been less than ideal and validating, I will not stop seeking justice for me, other girls he may have harmed and protection for girls he could harm in the future.
I am grateful to Linor for speaking out and telling her story! It has encouraged me not to give up and it has also provided an outlet for me to share with others and receive as well! Every little bit of sharing helps with healing in my opinion. Please surround yourself with people who will love and support you through this and don’t isolate yourself! It is the worst thing you can do! Take care and be blessed 🙂