Breaking Trust

Last weekend after a party I went back to a friend’s boyfriend’s house to sleep, where I was given a double bed to share with a close friend of that friend. He’s someone I’ve casually slept with once before, a long time ago, and who I’ve spoken to at length and who calls himself a feminist, and who I trusted by virtue of his close relationship with my friend. I was very drunk, and he had stayed sober that night. I wanted to go straight to sleep and had made it clear I didn’t want to hook up. He waited until I was drifting off to sleep before starting to make a move and asking if he could kiss me. I said no and pushed him away. I woke up later with his hands inside my clothes and him rubbing his dick on me from behind. I was mortified and uncomfortable but still very drunk so I pushed him away and tried to go back to sleep. It happened again, twice more. In the morning when I was awake and sober, it hit me what had happened and I felt crushed and betrayed and objectified, but also felt very strongly as if I was overreacting or that I should have been more clear or left the room at the time. I feel scared being near men now, have been crying a lot, and don’t want anyone to touch me. I’ve had a lot of trouble falling asleep because of remembering the feeling of waking up with large hands touching me. I’ve had random drunken strangers grope me before in bars, clubs, or on the bus or the street, and it has never impacted me like this. I think the difficult part is that I “knew they were the bad ones” – I didn’t expect to be treated like an object by one of the “good ones”. I feel guilty telling anybody because it “wasn’t that bad” and I’m not sure if it even “counts” as sexual assault.

— Survivor, age 22