Broken

This is my story about my battle with sexual abuse. This is a very touching subject I still can’t deal with this but here goes nothing I guess. So when I was just two years old I was molested by my babysitter who was my mom’s friend’s cousin at the time. I don’t remember a lot about that day but growing up I had forgotten about all of that. Then when I was about 11 I started having vivid flash backs of everything that happened, I confronted my mom about it and she kept denying it; to protect me of course but then I started remembering the babysitters name and face she could no longer deny it. She sat me down and told me what I was remembering was all true it happened to me and I just broke down and everyone knew it but me and were hiding it making sure I wouldn’t remembered an I was so little. I was taken advantage of and I didn’t even get justice I’m still not through or over that I still have flashbacks memories of most of what happened. I tried to forget about it all but then it happened again. About two years later when I was 13 going on 14 my mom’s boyfriend who watched me grow up started getting sexual with me. He sexually abused me, and molested me for years, it started little then got worse. He’d grab my butt, touch my boobs, pull my pants down, and just touch me inappropriately. I hated it every moment it, my mom could be in the same room and he’d grab my butt and she wouldn’t even notice. I got sick once and he came in my room started rubbing my back then started rubbing and touching my butt and she walked in my room an saw it and she just brushed it off. I didn’t know what to do nor did I understand the situation I was just so uncomfortable, scared that I wouldn’t be believed so I just dealt with it. I started getting depressed, I started to cut myself everywhere deep and there was so many scares and blood that I could never tell which ones I was losing the most blood from, it just got worse and worse I’d continue to mutilate my body every day. Death was all I could ever think of it was my only option of escape. Every time he’d touch me or make me sit on his lap I’d squirm and i’d freak out but that was never enough to get my mom’s attention. I felt so disgusting, I hated myself, if memories of the first abuse wasn’t enough I had to get abused a second time from a different guy, that watched me grow up not just someone that baby sat me once but seen me become who I was growing up, who was in my life since I was two years old. Months later we had to bring him the rest of his stuff my mom wanted me to go with her so I did and he started crying saying he loved me he was sorry and he kept trying to touch me and I was just freaking out. He admitted it too he didn’t even bother lying or denying it. I still didn’t even get justice. I just turned 17 in March and I’m still breaking down about it, I can’t talk about it just thinking about it makes my eyes water and break. I just stopped self-mutilating myself been clean for maybe 5 months but I still have the ergs to cut and hurt myself. I’m broken and no one understands. My mom she leaves me out to dry, tons of pills, therapists, I don’t want that, it’s not going to help, it’s not going to make me forget, make the flash backs stop, it’s not going to help me heal. I’m alone, I’m broken, I can’t be fixed I’m damage, I can’t live my life as a normal teenager because I suffer from server depression, insomnia, trust issues, isolation abandonment issues and I just can’t handle what happened. I can’t go into details about either abuse it’s too hard so only I know all the details.

— Survivor, age 17