Broken

So I had started the 9th grade in the fall of 2016. There was this one boy who seemed to be a cool guy so I thought I would talk to him and get to know him Now off the bat many classmates( females mainly ) thought he was ugly and a fuckboy but I didn’t care for it that much because I thought he was really funny and I wasn’t trying to date him at the time. So a month goes by and by October we are like best friends, we tell each other everything and we have a bunch of inside jokes and everyone thought we should date because everyone thought we were “goals”. But we never saw each other like that. Around December I was on the phone with him and he was telling me that there was a girl that he was going to try to date because he said he could really see it happening for him. It was weird because when I asked him who he couldn’t tell me, it was weird because he always told me who he liked so at that point I had the idea that it was me. Then he texted me saying that he started to catch feelings for me and stuff. All this was new to me because I never dated anyone before and it wasn’t something I was really looking for at the time. So he starts to flirt with me very often until the point I start to like him and then after a month of flirting we started dating. We dated for less than a month but very close to a month but he broke up with me because he wasn’t interested anymore. But he lied about everything so I stopped trying to be cool with him, so we kind of just stopped talking for a few months until one day he texted me about how sorry he was and how he wanted to fix our relationship because he missed me in his life. After that, I thought I would try to be cool with him again but he never actually tried to make things right so I blocked him on Snapchat. So one day a friend of mine had a Houseparty and there was a lot of people there including my ex. So I was outside on my friends balcony in her room on the phone because downstairs was too loud but as I was going to go back inside he was standing at the door and I was just going to pass him then he grabbed me by the waist and was saying how he always loved how big my butt was and stuff and I was just trying to leave, he then punched me in the stomach and it made me really weak for a minute and he started to slap my face calling me his little whore and I remember trying to scream but I couldn’t because the punch to the stomach knocked the air out of me and he had tied my hands behind my back. He then pulled my skirt down and then my underwear and started rubbing my area asking if I liked it, he then stuck a finger in there. I started crying because I knew what he was doing to me and I knew that it was going to get worse. He took off my bra and started taking pictures of me naked I and kept begging him not to do this to me but he kept saying that I deserved it as he is taking his pants off. I felt my body go completely numb. It was as if I was there but my mind was in aN endless pit. I was in so much pain and the worse part was as he was raping me all I could think about was how not too long ago this boy was one of my best friends and now he is the person who is breaking me. I just couldn’t stop crying and hurting I just wanted it to be over, then it was over and he told me that if I tell anyone he would lie and send pictures of me to people in the school. I put my clothes and ran out the room and I ran home in the dark crying. When I got home my parent and sister were already asleep so I just went to my room and cried till I fell asleep. Going to school was the hardest because I had classes with him where he sat next to me or I had to work with him, there so many times that I just w anted to cry because him being near made me feel like I was in an endless pit. I haven’t told anyone about it because I don’t want pictures of me to get out but now I’m on summer break and I haven’t talked to him in a few months and I really wanted to get it off my chest. I just know that none of this is my fault and that I can’t blame myself for what an animal like him did to me and that I just need to move on and not let him win by being broken. To all those who have been in a situation of rape or sexual assault I hope that you guys don’t blame yourself for what has happened to not let it define who you are as a person because at the end of the day you have to move on slowly and not the person who did it to you win.