In 1971, I was a 19 year old college sophomore. I had been dating my boyfriend for about 4 months. He was only the second person with whom I had ever had sex. One night, he had a party at his apartment. He had invited his older brother, who was there alone. They were not twins, but had a very strong resemblance. After several hours of partying, I decided to go upstairs to bed. I undressed and got into bed. Awhile later, I awoke to someone on top of me having sex with me. I assumed it was my boyfriend and when I looked up, I still thought so because of their resemblance and the darkness of the room. Only after looking over his shoulder at the figure standing in the doorway did I realize that the person in the bed with me was the brother. My boyfriend just stood there. I don’t remember anything after that until the next morning. When I woke up, the place was completely quiet and I was alone. I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me and drive me back to my dorm. I never heard from my boyfriend again and I never told anyone what happened. I felt so guilty about what I thought I had done. I carried that guilt around for 42 years. About 2 years ago, when rape became a topic openly discussed by the media, it began to occur to me that maybe what happened to me was rape. I realized what happened had probably been planned by my boyfriend and his brother as a way for him to break up with me. What a coward! I have become very angry since then because I know it has shaped the way I have lived my life. It has become difficult for me to stop thinking about it, which is why I am so glad to have a found a place to share my story. I am 63 years old and I want to tell all the young women out there that have been raped, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
What an incredible journey and story you have. I am so glad you finally came to understand that what happened to you was rape and that you were able to finally piece together how it shaped your life for 42 years. The anger you speak of is a natural and normal response and sharing your experience with others who understand you can help make sense out of the anger. It can help life the weight you’ve been carrying. I am so glad you found the Brave Miss World site. You are not alone anymore and your story will resonate with a lot of people. I am sending light and love to you, wherever you are.
Thank you for your kind and helpful words, Alissa.
Abigail, you are most welcome! Light and love to you.