I was leaving my last appointment of the day for work. I got in my car, called my boyfriend of five months and was for some reason or another upset with him. I had also recently left a long term relationship of four years prior to entering this new relationship. After getting off the phone with my boyfriend, I called my ex whom I saw somewhat regularly still as we shared a dog and he would allow me time at his home on occasion to come play with our fur child.
To get to the point of the story: I was raped when I went to my ex’s home. I recall watching old ninja turtle episodes on the couch. Discussing our day. And of course – him making me drinks. I don’t think I was roofied – I just know that I drank half a bottle of 100 proof Captain weighing 120lbs. I recall telling him the drinks were getting stronger and saying I needed to only have one more as I still needed to drive home.
This man had been in my life for more than four years. He knew about my history of childhood sexual trauma. He knew I routinely blacked out when drunk. He knew I had a boyfriend. He knew I did not want anything to do with him regarding any sexual intimacy or rekindling of a relationship.
Then the next thing I remember was waking up in a dark room with someone thrusting on top of me. It was dark and I couldn’t even tell it was him. I thought maybe I had made it back to my boyfriend’s home. I looked at my surroundings, didn’t recognize his bedroom, and started crying. He stopped – and laid beside me trying to tell me what happened to lead to us being in the bed but I just tried to crawl away from him.
Not knowing his bed was high I fell to the floor of his bedroom. I didn’t have my clothes. I couldn’t walk. I grabbed the blanket off of his bed. Crawled to the bathroom and locked the door behind me while I laid beside the toilet drifting in and out of consciousness.
Come early morning I needed to leave but could still barely stand. I opened the bathroom door and my ex-gave me a large silver mixing bowl for the drive home in case I needed to continue vomiting and told me where my clothes were. We didn’t speak. I could barely look at him.
I ultimately went to the ER two days later to be checked for STDs. My vagina was torn and swollen and I ended up contracting a urinary tract infection.
When I confronted him about it days later he said, “I wish you could remember the things you say when you’re drunk”. I asked him if he thought I would have sex with him sober. I asked him if he really thinks I would do that knowing I had a new boyfriend and didn’t want to be with him. He didn’t say anything. He cried actually when I said it was the last time I would ever see or talk to him.
I went over there knowing he still had feelings for me. I went over there knowing I was mad at my current boyfriend. I agreed to drink. I continued to drink. I have no knowledge of the “things I said” as he referred to. I don’t consider him a “rapist” but I know what happened couldn’t have been consensual in my state.
Three years later. I’m still with the same boyfriend. He has no clue what happened. I’m currently in a district trial case against my childhood perpetrator. I’m terrified to tell my current boyfriend but I know I have to.
He’s a police officer and I work in the social services field. I already spoke with police who stated with the information I have – pursuing legal action would be futile. And I don’t want to. Experiencing the legal process now is almost as traumatic as my childhood experiences.
I feel like my life is an endless loop of victimization and trauma. Like anytime I try to do better – something bad happens. I don’t know what to do or think anymore.
— Survivor, age 27
I am so sorry that happened to you. Nobody deserves to go through something like that. If you love your boyfriend tell him
Thank you for sharing your story.
You sound incredibly brave.
No one can ever tell you what to do however I feel like this is a lot to be dealing with on your own. Sometimes even if you have someone supporting you (i.e family member/friend/counsellor) it still feels so lonely. Maybes talking to the one person you need most (your boyfriend) will help ease all this conflict you have inside of you?
As hard as it is to admit l, your ex did take advantage of you. This is rape. You were in no fit state that night ans he knew that.
I feel as though you already want to tell your boyfriend about what your ex done to you and that maybe why you have found yourself on here today. Just remember you’re not alone, No matter what you choose to do. I hope this helped, even a little.
Stay strong! And I wish you and your boyfriend the best of luck x
Dear survivor – thank you so much for posting your story here. It doesn’t matter what you said when you were drunk – you didn’t give consent and what he did was wrong. Sure, you agreed to drink. That’s all you did. It doesn’t matter if he had feelings for you – he didn’t have permission to take action on them.
Taking legal action is a very personal decision and really depends on the situation. You do what works for you. You have my support.
As far as telling your current boyfriend… remember that you don’t have to tell him everything at once. You control when you tell him and how much you tell him. It might feel like a weight lifted to tell him but only if it’s on your terms. It might help to “practice” talking about it with a close friend or a family member or a counselor. I would actually encourage you to see a therapist in any case. Layers of trauma can interact with each other in ways that you don’t even realize and a therapist can help you sort through them and live a happy, peaceful life. You deserve that. Sending you love, Alexis
The support in these comments means more than I could express. I have decided to tell my boyfriend and I’m working with a therapist on how best to do this. I’m scared but it’s taken me a long time to reach out for help and I’m ready to grow and move forward. I don’t want my perpetrator to have any control over my life anymore. I know in my mind that if my boyfriend is not supportive then he is not the individual I should be building a life with. Thank you women so much, this was an early stepping stone in my recovery process and I appreciate the time you’ve taken out to support me during this time. <3
I’m so proud that you found the strength to do this and I feel so happy that our comments helped you along the way to recovery. Sometimes it gets harder before it gets better but I am 100% confident that the only way is up for you now.
Sending so much love and support x