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But I Was Drunk

I was leaving my last appointment of the day for work. I got in my car, called my boyfriend of five months and was for some reason or another upset with him. I had also recently left a long term relationship of four years prior to entering this new relationship. After getting off the phone with my boyfriend, I called my ex whom I saw somewhat regularly still as we shared a dog and he would allow me time at his home on occasion to come play with our fur child.

To get to the point of the story: I was raped when I went to my ex’s home. I recall watching old ninja turtle episodes on the couch. Discussing our day. And of course – him making me drinks. I don’t think I was roofied – I just know that I drank half a bottle of 100 proof Captain weighing 120lbs. I recall telling him the drinks were getting stronger and saying I needed to only have one more as I still needed to drive home.

This man had been in my life for more than four years. He knew about my history of childhood sexual trauma. He knew I routinely blacked out when drunk. He knew I had a boyfriend. He knew I did not want anything to do with him regarding any sexual intimacy or rekindling of a relationship.

Then the next thing I remember was waking up in a dark room with someone thrusting on top of me. It was dark and I couldn’t even tell it was him. I thought maybe I had made it back to my boyfriend’s home. I looked at my surroundings, didn’t recognize his bedroom, and started crying. He stopped – and laid beside me trying to tell me what happened to lead to us being in the bed but I just tried to crawl away from him.

Not knowing his bed was high I fell to the floor of his bedroom. I didn’t have my clothes. I couldn’t walk. I grabbed the blanket off of his bed. Crawled to the bathroom and locked the door behind me while I laid beside the toilet drifting in and out of consciousness.

Come early morning I needed to leave but could still barely stand. I opened the bathroom door and my ex-gave me a large silver mixing bowl for the drive home in case I needed to continue vomiting and told me where my clothes were. We didn’t speak. I could barely look at him.

I ultimately went to the ER two days later to be checked for STDs. My vagina was torn and swollen and I ended up contracting a urinary tract infection.

When I confronted him about it days later he said, “I wish you could remember the things you say when you’re drunk”. I asked him if he thought I would have sex with him sober. I asked him if he really thinks I would do that knowing I had a new boyfriend and didn’t want to be with him. He didn’t say anything. He cried actually when I said it was the last time I would ever see or talk to him.

I went over there knowing he still had feelings for me. I went over there knowing I was mad at my current boyfriend. I agreed to drink. I continued to drink. I have no knowledge of the “things I said” as he referred to. I don’t consider him a “rapist” but I know what happened couldn’t have been consensual in my state.

Three years later. I’m still with the same boyfriend. He has no clue what happened. I’m currently in a district trial case against my childhood perpetrator. I’m terrified to tell my current boyfriend but I know I have to.

He’s a police officer and I work in the social services field. I already spoke with police who stated with the information I have – pursuing legal action would be futile. And I don’t want to. Experiencing the legal process now is almost as traumatic as my childhood experiences.

I feel like my life is an endless loop of victimization and trauma. Like anytime I try to do better – something bad happens. I don’t know what to do or think anymore.

— Survivor, age 27

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