Hi fellow survivors. I’ve written on this forum a few times before trying to be encouraging to those who are struggling with post rape trauma and all the crap that comes with it, but I’m reaching out to you for support now. It’s been about 9 months since a stranger raped me in my hotel room and I think I’ve been doing fairly well with recovery but I still have really bad nights. Last night was like any normal night (after an awesome date day/night with my boyfriend) and when the lights turned off and I closed my eyes to sleep all I could see was my rapist raping me over and over and over again. I couldn’t stop crying and had to go to the downstairs bed and take another Klonopin to finally fall asleep. Most nights are fine but I’m tired of these nights when I feel terrorized by my thoughts and I hate how it effects my boyfriend. He woke up too and had to take Benadryl to go back to sleep…. Does anyone have helpful tips o n how to get that rapist asshole out of my head on these bad nights?
I want to end this post by reminding everyone that we are strong survivors, even at these times when we feel so weak. Love you all and looking forward to sharing advice!
— Survivor, age 28
Thiugh i am not the best bet to counter your frequent nightmare’s night. I would rather suggest be happy you are alive and you have nice boyfriend who is standing by your side. It is very difficult to say but forgive the rapist. Forgive him for his sin and like pure soul you pursue your life with your future, your boyfriend. Gandhi once said learn to forgive and your heart will remain pure. you will have peaceful night. I forgive my child’s killer, killer knows this.
Dear Brave Survivor,
As you write to encourage others that have been victimized – I will assuming that because of this at least in your head -know what he did is not your fault at all, even if your feelings tell you different – So please do remember this!
Yes Forgiveness will render him powerless – that is you can take your power back by forgiving him, thus rendering his power over you null and void. For some this is for them for others it is not and for those that do it is often a long process.
But what I would say to you as you understand the above I will try and explain the basics of how our mind works ;
The mind is part of our soul which is made up of our mind, will, emotions and 5 senses and our memory. The choices that we freely make come from either agreeing or disagreeing with what we have already learnt and is lodged in our memory, such as being able to write, read, speak – know our times tables or drive a car e.t.c. However as our Memory is made of all of the things that we have learnt, observed or been made subject to, this also includes what others have done to us with or with out our consent.
When we either agree or disagree with this or that information lodged in our memory it is called an act of our will – that is the mind and will in action. Then the brain will either then put that information away, if we disagree with it or are done with that information; or connect it to the rest of our active memory that we use every day because we have chosen to either agree with it or chosen keep a hold of it rather than move on from that place in our minds. We only move on for that place in our minds when we are really ready to do so.
When you have these nightmares, obviously they become so full of fearful thoughts that you end up in a sleepless, crying state, which is not an abnormal at all for some one who has been raped as in these fears you are reliving the feeling of becoming powerless & helpless which is why these dreams are so scary for you. You are not alone in this at all !
Please remember it is only 9 months on, not even a year – even someone who is grieving a loss of another person or pet will take at least a year to begin to even move on from that point in time So Please don’t be too hard on your self !.
However as Memory forms part of our will – YOU CAN still choose what you DO or DON’T think on even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment. Just realizing this will help you to take back some of the powerlessness & Helplessness you have felt – hence the fear you obviously still feel. This is a step in the right direction. Then eventually Being able to put that into action should help you to overcome these nightmares in time. ( it is a process which takes time.).
This doesn’t mean blocking memory out so you don’t recall as that wont help either but rather not letting your mind play on these memories thus stopping the build up fear in your mind and getting you into a state of tears all of the time. That is choosing to allow your self to give your self a break – that is a time out from having to think on it all the time.
Having said that any one can revert back to constantly and often times subconsciously dwelling on their assault if something is still bothering them. Remembering that our dreams are often the way the brain tries to sort out its priorities of what needs dealing with. So our minds will often bring to the surface those things that are bothering us so that we can take practical steps to fix them. So talking to someone you trust about what happened and the intimate details that are still bothering you and how you feel about this will help also rather than someone who acknowledges your assault but doesn’t want to know the details. This doesn’t have to be every day or week but as is needed.
Starting a private personal journal and writing down what is going on in your mind in every day life which can include your thoughts on the assault is another idea to include in this. Remembering to deliberately give your self a time out from doing this for a few days then coming back to it when you are ready.
Also give yourself a break from constantly reading about the Sexual assaults of others and go and deliberately do something else for a while then come back to it when you are good and ready. Some times you might feel the need to reply to others and that is fine but remember that it is also ok to give your self a break from doing these things and concentrate on other things for a while. So be kind to your self.
By deliberately giving your self a break from thinking on these things you are training your brain so that you will eventually become back in control of your memories rather than letting your memories over take you.
Think of it as akin to pelvic floor exercises but for the brain, that is when there is trauma to the pelvic floor in our body due to e.g. child birth we need to exercise these muscles in order to make them strong again. This takes time. The same applies to our brain when we are traumatized by an assault if effects not only our physical body but our soul- ( which is the Greek word for the brain ) that is it does damage to our ” heart” that is it effects our mind will emotions our senses and in that our memory. So re training the brain so that we are back in control of our thoughts is a step in the right direction.
I had some issues not long ago in relation to sexual assault from many years ago, which started to play on my mind, because of the possibility of him at the same event as me after all these years. I started to get really fearful dreams about him raping me at this event, even though the event was yet to come. It got me in a state, trying to figure out a plan to keep safe if he did come to the event. I eventually realized that I had to get back in control of my thoughts and not dwell on it constantly by giving my self breaks from it and take practical steps to resolve the issue. It hasn’t been an easy road but I am getting there. I also went and spoke to someone about how I felt and was able to describe what happened to me and be listened to and Heard !
So I hope that what I have said will be of some practical help to you.
This will probably sound crazy but…
When I was having really bad nightmares, my therapist recommended keeping an orange in the freezer. When I had a nightmare and was having trouble getting myself back to reality, I had a note by my bed that said “go to the freezer” and when I saw an orange in there, the shock value sort of snapped me back to reality. I know it sounds ridiculous because it did to me when I first heard it but it did help sometimes.
I know it totally sucks and I wish I had a magic way to make the nightmares go away. Please know that I stand with you and am sending you thoughts for peace and love!!