I had broken up with my long term boyfriend and spent my new found single freedom having fun, but it never involved any sex. I think I was kind of afraid to have sex with someone new, nervous and insecure about my body, so I avoided getting to that point, kissed a lot of people never going further or even dating. Another thing that stopped me is that I wasn’t “that kind of girl”, at the time I had had sex with one person who was important to me and I would never even consider a one night stand.
One night at a friends birthday I met a friend of a friend and we spent the whole night together. I was blackout drunk. A bunch of us ended up sleeping out in a loft at the back of my friends house, and I remember it being dark and kissing him. The next thing I remember is having sex and saying stop, I pushed him off me and turned away and he kept having sex with me until I mustered up the energy to push him off again. I thought this was a 20 second engagement where we had started having sex and I’d changed my mind, it isn’t a violent memory. On our first date, he told me we had sex for about a half an hour. I laughed it off and we dated for a month.
After we broke up, my friend asked if the rapey aspect of it bothered me, and it wasn’t until months later that it did. That night shaped the next year of my life, sex was less of a big deal. I had another friend of a friend have sex with me when I had said no very clearly, it was less than a minute, but he did it. And number 3 tried his very best to trick me into sex while I was pretty much passed out.
As I said, I wasn’t “that kind of girl”. I had had sex with one guy and then all of a sudden I’m having sex with someone I just met in a glorified shed with 10 other people in the room? It wasn’t violent but if it lasted a half hour or so and all I remember is 20 seconds of saying no, so I’m pretty sure I wasn’t conscious for the rest. What scares me the most about this is how much I lost control, how could I get so dangerously drunk. I was feeling pretty good the last couple of months and I thought I was over it but now I’m back at square one. I feel empty a lot. I cry a lot.
I’ve been considering a rape crisis center but I don’t want to waste their time. What I’m confused about is – if I amen’t 100% sure I was unconscious can I call it rape at all? My heart is broken and I don’t know if its justified.
— Survivor, age 23