When I was a child, my mother was always gone to meetings. She would come home after I went to bed and my step father was at the bars and was away till late. I would go home from school and watch TV and do my home work. I was learning my times tables when Gavin my brothers friend came over. Gaven was 6 years older then me. I told him he was not home but he wanted to come in anyways. He helped me with my times stables and the new friendship made me feel loved. Then asked to see my room. In my heart I knew it was wrong, but to have someone to talk to, someone to care about me, so I took him to my room. He then pulled out his penis and made me touch it. I freaked out and tried to run but he blocked my path pinned me and raped me. I was left alone in pain and scared. I was afraid to tell anyone as I was not allowed to let anyone into the house. I felt it was my fault. Seeing him, at my house, my mom loved him as did my brother. He would not look at me or talk to me and I felt even more alone worthless. I let him in again to rape me feeling it was all I was worth. I had a friend at school but my mother disliked her and kept us because of this i was alone. Rape was the only contact i had to anyone. I remember my mother telling my I show the classic signs of a child that has ben raped but it is just your learning disability. I was never brave enough to say your wrong mom, I am being raped.
Because of what my body went through sex today is nothing but painful, not mentally but physically. How do you move on, how do you date when sex is nothing but pain? How do you trust? I live alone and hate my failures. I am 45 and never had a child, never married. I was engaged once but he beat me did drugs and was sent away to prison for 8 years.
I live life afraid to trust. I do not know who ho be a friend or live life. Death seems like a safe way to end things but I will not harm my family, so I wait. I will kill myself when my death will not harm others.