When I was a child, my mother was always gone to meetings. She would come home after I went to bed and my step father was at the bars and was away till late. I would go home from school and watch TV and do my home work. I was learning my times tables when Gavin my brothers friend came over. Gaven was 6 years older then me. I told him he was not home but he wanted to come in anyways. He helped me with my times stables and the new friendship made me feel loved. Then asked to see my room. In my heart I knew it was wrong, but to have someone to talk to, someone to care about me, so I took him to my room. He then pulled out his penis and made me touch it. I freaked out and tried to run but he blocked my path pinned me and raped me. I was left alone in pain and scared. I was afraid to tell anyone as I was not allowed to let anyone into the house. I felt it was my fault. Seeing him, at my house, my mom loved him as did my brother. He would not look at me or talk to me and I felt even more alone worthless. I let him in again to rape me feeling it was all I was worth. I had a friend at school but my mother disliked her and kept us because of this i was alone. Rape was the only contact i had to anyone. I remember my mother telling my I show the classic signs of a child that has ben raped but it is just your learning disability. I was never brave enough to say your wrong mom, I am being raped.
Because of what my body went through sex today is nothing but painful, not mentally but physically. How do you move on, how do you date when sex is nothing but pain? How do you trust? I live alone and hate my failures. I am 45 and never had a child, never married. I was engaged once but he beat me did drugs and was sent away to prison for 8 years.
I live life afraid to trust. I do not know who ho be a friend or live life. Death seems like a safe way to end things but I will not harm my family, so I wait. I will kill myself when my death will not harm others.
— Rhywnn
DO NOT EVER THINK OF KILLING YOURSELF EVERRRR PLS DON’T DO IT! It does suck because the world today is messed up and we have no one left to trust That’s true but it doesn’t mean you should let yourself suffer from the fault of the world YOU ARE BRAVE in this world you are one of the most beautiful being surrounded by ignorant people you shouldnt let other people ignorance affect you BECAUSE YOUR A STRONG BUTTERFLY You can and WILL Survive this Messy world and Oh can I ask one wish from you this NEW YEAR 2016 Pretty pleaaase for me DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY! Disregard your past because it’s your past and it’s gone erase it as if it’s pencil marks from your paper BE POSITIVE IN ORDER TO INVITE POSITIVE ENERGY, You may not have a good beginning but this is your chance to have a Happy Present and Future, And also whoever else read this I encourage and also want you to do so I will pray for you all and remember DONT LET ANYONE’S FAULT RUIN YOUR FUTURE AND YOUR LIFE BECAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE STRONG, STRONGER THAN ANY BUTTERFLIES AROUND THE WORLD 🙂
Dear Rhywnn – Thank you so much for sharing your story with the Brave Miss World community. It was so brave of you to write it here and I am proud of you. I believe you and you are not alone ; I hope that reading some of the other stories posted on the site can help you feel that. You are NOT to blame for what happened to you – it doesn’t matter if you let him into your room or if you didn’t tell your mom. What he did to you was his fault and not yours. The feelings you feel – being unable to trust, depression, and pain – are all symptoms of PTSD. They can be excruciating but with the right counselor and support they can start to recede. If you need help immediately and are in the United States, you can call 800.656.HOPE and talk to someone. You are worth working through the pain – it’s not easy but YOU are worth it. Wishing you peace and hope in 2016. Alexis
Dearest Rhywnn – Thank you. Thank you for your bravery and your courage. Thank you for your resilience and your vulnerability. It takes a lot to write something with as much honesty as you did. Healing, but mentally and physically, from rape can take a very long time. Sometimes it takes a lifetime. However, I truly believe that healing is possible. I believe that the consequences that survivors face can be navigated effectively. All of the things you wrote about in your post are completely valid and real. Learning to trust again is one of the must difficult pieces. I hope that you’ve found some comfort and peace in sharing your story. Know that none of this was your fault and that this community stands in solidarity with you. We believe you. I am thinking of you and will keep you in my thoughts, wherever you are in the world. Light and love to you – Alissa