When I was 3 I had a best friend. We were so close. Like sisters. Her dad took a like in me and started to touch me at night. Saying “If you don’t let me you’ll never see her again.” I was 3. I didn’t know what to do. She was my only friend. So while she slept he would come in the room, tell me to stay quiet, and do what he did.. He became my younger sisters god father and president of our church. My sister is 2 years younger than me. My best friend had a sister the same age as mine. I let him do this to me for years. I needed my best friend. I was young. Didn’t understand what was happening. One day he held a gun to my head telling me to tell no one about anything. I told my best friend that he took me in his room. She said I went there on my own. That’s when I realized it was happening to her too. It went on until I was 10. He married another lady and moved on to her kids. “Finally,” I thought. He left me alone but I had guilt knowing what he was going to those kids.
When I was 13, I was at my grandmothers and my mom called and she told my grandmother to bring me there immediately. I could hear her voice breaking and her crying. I was terrified. When I got there my mom took me to the backyard. She told me a little girl down the road got raped. She said she was talking to my sister and she told her that he touched her too and asked if I knew about it. Immediately I broke down and cried. How did I not know what was happening to me was happening to my sister. I was her older sister. I was supposed to protect her from guys like him. I felt guilt running through my heart and mind. It’s my fault I didn’t stop him. I should’ve saw the signs. I told my mom I didn’t know but that he was touching me too. I’m now 17. He’s been in jail for 2 years and has 1 left. We found out there were more. There was a blind girl. I still feel guilty for my sister and responsible for it. I still dream of him and the memories and I can sometimes feel him. But I decided to use it and make me stronger. I’ve decided to become a child’s advocate for sexual abuse victims and give kids the voice I never had.
You are such an inspiration and a gift. Using your experience to help others is beautiful. I know that you will help so many survivors of child sexual abuse just by showing up in the world and being authentic. I want you to know that you were not responsible for what this man did to others. I know it can feel like a huge responsibility to protect others, especially your sister, but you were a child who was being traumatized and you reacted in the best way you knew how to at the time. You did nothing wrong. Please know that I remain inspired by your strength and bravery. Light, love, and solidarity, Alissa