I am a survivor of sexually abuse from age 2 1/2 until I told the summer I came out of eight grade. I remember my abuse but I have blocked a lot of the feelings that go with it. I have done a lot of counseling because of this. I am 56 1/2 now and I have had my voice about talking to those who need to hear what I have to say and not feel ashamed for telling what happened to me. I have found that in telling what happened has been giving me my power back and is very healing. Many say I am crazy for bringing the past up and I should let that go. Why should I. At 2 1/2 I did not ask for these things to happen to me, at any age I did not ask for any of this. I wanted to die for so many years and it is just now in my life that I want to live. Yes I still have hang ups, and PTSD and I act from a child’s mode sometimes but I do not care because it was stolen from me. I grew up thinking if any man advanced me I was suppose to give him what he wanted. It was not until I was 24 that I learned this was my body and I did not have to give it to anyone. I grew up in a very small house with a step-dad and a grand paw who were both abusing me. Then there was a teenage boy in the neighborhood when I would go out to play. I had no one to turn too. My step-dad would show up at all hours of the night waking me by his hands all over or in my privates or forcing his penis in my mouth. I was not allowed to lock any doors, and specially the bathroom. As we moved from that house and he made my grand paw leave, it was him. As I grew it got worse and all I knew was death would be so much better. He was beating my mother so she would not tell for she knew what was going on too. He always told me I was damaged goods and no one would ever want me anymore and that he was the only one who would ever love me. I knew if this was love then I wanted nothing to do with it. I have memories but not many feelings around it. I learned to leave my body very young to stay safe. I still can leave my body if I start to feel. I only really understand anger and rage. I am learning and I am and have healed since there. Listening to others stories set me on my healing path. I realized a lot back when Oprah told her story and her movie Color Purple came out. That had a effect on me and brought so much up at that time to help me understand this was not my fault. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I believe in telling is very healing and hard and it takes time to do this. I want so bad to write my story in which I did a short one about the Little Girl in the Picture which is on this site somewhere. I do know this that together we are strong and I believe in you and your stories.
— Ellen, age 56
Ellen thank you for sharing your story, I also was abused as a child, and unfortunately I too wanted to die, I’ve tried to kill myself three times and I would describe my self as a stone slab because I’ve cut off all my emotions. However now I’m taking a stand against my past, I’ve decided that I’m not going to let it rob me of my future.
I too am like you, I’m now 32 and keep thinking I should just forget my past and let it go, but the pain will never fade unless we stand up for ourselves and take hold of our future.
Keep telling your story, never bury it because you will inspire others to open up and never give up xx
Dear Ellen – thank you so much for sharing your story. I think it’s SO important to talk about and share our stories. You are absolutely right that your abuse was NOT your fault. You are not damaged goods either – you are so worthy of love and respect and support. If you’re still having PTSD symptoms, like leaving your body, it might be worth exploring counseling to see if you can be free of them. That’s not to say forget about what happened or stop talking about it – just to make your life easier and lighter and freeier. Thank you for your voice. The world needs it! Love, Alexis