This happened recently and I’m not sure if it was rape or not. But I want to share this. I was mad at a guy I’m seeing for dumb reasons. I ignored him all day at work. Our coworker asked me for a ride home. I complied. As I’m driving he mentions that he has great weed and if I’d like to smoke and hang out w him. He said he had a girlfriend but she was out. I don’t smoke weed but I really wanted to feel “stoned”. I said yeah I can hang out with you for a little bit. I’m thinking 30 min tops. We get to his apt no sign of his girlfriend or when she will be back. We smoke pot. He brings me an alcoholic drink. I’m feeling high and drunk. Next thing he says is, “should I use a rubber? I don’t like playing games, it wastes time.”m I say yes. I’m thinking at this point that I don’t really want to have sex with him but another voice is telling me you have to go thru with this you are here in his apt. Next thing I know I take off my shirt, I want to keep my bra on but he takes it off. I’m not comfortable with this. I want to stop. I feel like a coward. I let him inside me and I still feel wasted and high. I tell him I have to go! I have to be somewhere. As I’m dressing he says to me “Thank you for being discreet and don’t tell anybody.” I don’t know how I managed to drive home. I know I was not in a driving condition. I feel ashamed, confused and disappointed in myself. My friend tells me it was date rape but I’m not sure. I feel uneasy around him and even fear. I’m 39, he is 24.
— Noehmi
Let me first say, thank you for posting your story and I’m sorry what you went through. It sounds very scary and nerve wracking. Now I don’t fully know your relationship with your coworker but if you don’t hang out often it makes me nervous that the whole time he had it planned to get you intoxicated. No one can really make the decision for you whether or not it was r*** but you should just know some things. You cannot consent to sex if you are drunk and/or really high (especially the first time you’ve smoked). I also know that there has to be full consent to sex without feeling scared, pressured, and/or intimidated. I would strongly encourage you to do research about consent, flight fight or freeze, and PTSD. There are also hotlines you can call or even chat to someone online on RAINN.com. Based upon your research and how you feel about what happened to you can you make the decision for yourself. It’s going to be a long, grueling process but I promise you will be okay. Everything is very scary but you are not alone. Please take care of yourself.
Dear Noehmi – thank you so much fr sharing your story here. If you didn’t give consent (note – this is different than not saying no) then what he did was wrong. I’m proud of you for speaking up here. Not knowing your work situation I won’t advise you on that, but I agree with Brandi that seeking counseling will help you deal with the feelings of shame and confusion. What happened to you is not your fault. I hope that sharing your story here helped take some weight off your shoulders. Sending you light and love, Alexis