College Campus Rape

I was a freshman in college. I was attending a college and living at home, but a friend of mine went to a school out of town and lived on campus. I decided to visit with her for one night. She took me to a party where I met a number of her friends and a good friend of hers who was a sophomore. They seemed to be good friends and I trusted her judgment, so I trusted him. I spent hours at what I believe was a fraternity house and ultimately ended up spending time with this one male friend of my friends He kept bringing me beer. I had never been to a college party before and I mistakenly trusted this man. I had way to much to drink and my friend was no where to be found. He offered to take me back to my friend’s dorm. I left with him to get back to my friend’s dorm. Instead of taking me back to my friend’s dorm, he took me to his dorm. I remember he was talking to some of his fraternity brothers and them we entered his dorm room. I was tired and lost, not knowing how to find my friend. I was intoxicated too. I had been attracted to this man. He then told me he would take me back to my friend’s dorm after we spent some time in his room. He started to kiss me and I kissed him back. The next thing I remember was being on his bed with him on top of me pulling down my jeans. I quickly used my hand to stop him, but he took one of his hands to constrain both of my hands above my head. He proceeded with his other hand to take off my jeans I screamed “no.” I was 18 and a virgin. He used his body, hand, and legs to pin me down to his bed and got my jeans and then my underwear off. He raped me as I kept repeating “no.” I passed out and the next thing I remember was waking up the next morning in his room, in his bed. This man I barely knew beside me and my body half naked. My jeans and underwear off and my shirt and bra still on. I saw blood on the sheets under me. It was a surreal experience. I had a hard time realizing this really happened. I was terrified, not knowing what to do. Who was this man that raped me? Where was my friend throughout the night? How would I ever find my friend’s dorm? What would he do when he woke up? He eventually woke up and just talked to me like nothing happened. I played along and instinctively felt I needed to assure him I wouldn’t say anything to anyone of what happened, so I didn’t. I talked to him about school, hobbies, anything I could think of to make things seem “normal,” and to get him to take me to my friend’s dorm. I thought he would sexually assault me again, but he didn’t. After what seemed like hours, I told him my mother would be picking me up and worried if I wasn’t there at my friend’s dorm. He agreed to walk me back. I was so relieved when we finally made it back to my friend’ dorm. She smiled when she opened the door w hen seeing us. I said nothing to her. My mother came shortly thereafter to pick me up. I never told her or anyone about what happened, until a few months went by and I didn’t get my period. A close friend of me from my neighborhood went with me to take a pregnancy test. It came back negative. I was relieved, but after six months went by without a period, I was convinced I was pregnant. I was terrified that if I was in fact pregnant, I was too far along to do anything but have the child. After a physical gynecological exam, I was assured by the doctor that I was not pregnant. My period finally resumed again sometime after this visit. The terror of being pregnant with my rapist’s child was beyond frightening at 18 years old. I told only a handful of people over the last 30 years since the rape. At the time of the rape, back in 1984, no one talked about rape on college campuses or by someone you knew as being rape. I blamed myself for drinking too much, and for trusting someone I barely knew. I was certain if I told my parents, they would have blamed me for putting myself in that situation. I put the incident behind me. I convinced myself that it wasn’t “really” “legitimate” rape because I was attracted to this man, I drank and hung out with him, and I ultimately left with him. I kissed him too. Does that mean I wanted to have sex, no! I clearly said “no.” He became aggressive and raped me anyway. I felt I deserved it. When I told my ex-husband years later, he told me I shouldn’t have drank so much. I wasn’t surprised, as I already blamed myself. Seeing Linor’s story and those of other women, especially those in college settings, I felt it was finally the time to tell my story. Thank you for giving me this space to tell my story and hope to help other women avoid being raped, and for those that have been sexually assaulted to speak up, to hold the perpetrator accountable. Something I never did. I wonder how many other women he assaulted after me.