I had met this guy through my brother in law. Since I had met him he sexually assaulted me before but I ended up liking him & went on a date with him. We were at a party & I had a few glasses of wine. The same night I gave my virginity to him & we shared a bed that night. In the middle of the night, I awoke to him fondling me & I told him “Later.” I woke up the next day to him fondling my body again trying to turn me on. I felt he was pressuring me & I didn’t want to do it with him because I was raw & sore from last night being my first time. I looked at him & told him “How about next time?”, he stopped & laid there & I began to doze off back to sleep. But a few minutes later he got up, leaned over me, pulled the covers off of me, pulled off my shorts, & took my panties off. I laid there as my heart began to beat fast. I was shocked & didn’t know what to do. I had never been in a situation like that before where a man wasn’t listening to me. I looked at him wide eyed & shocked & said “Are you sure?” & he shook his head yes, got on top of me, & began to have sex with me. I was silent. I was confused. I began from that point to blame myself. I remember telling myself “This is your fault for telling him you didn’t want to. You are being selfish. After all, you teased him by having sex with him last night, & you teased him by sharing a bed with him. He’s just a guy & it’s in his nature. Pretend to enjoy it & just suck it up. You owe it to him!” I pinned it all on myself & actually made myself out to be the one in the wrong. I didn’t know how exactly to deal with it & I ended up sleeping with him every time he came over from then on & I didn’t dare tell him no. All of our sex felt pressured & like a chore to me from then on. I felt like I had lost my voice in a way. But at the same time I felt attached to him emotionally. I don’t know if it was because he was my first or what, but I felt like I had to have some type of relationship with him because I didn’t want to lose my virginity to someone that wasn’t my boyfriend. I kept sleeping with him to get him to like me so he’d want to be in a relationship. The sex always hurt because he was rough, & I couldn’t work up enough courage to tell him to stop because of before where he didn’t listen to me. In the end I finally just dropped him. I couldn’t do that to myself anymore & he clearly was just using me. I worked up enough energy to tell him no & I never saw him again. It never crossed my mind that he had possibly raped me. I recently talked with a couple of professionals & they told me it was rape. I never saw it that way though because I was too busy blaming myself the whole time. I’m still so confused. Why did I go back to him after that? Why was I so stupid? Was I really raped? Or was it all my fault? I don’t know what to make of this anymore. I don’t know how sex is going to go for me the next time I meet someone.
— Survivor, age 20
Dear survivor,
The aftermath of an experience like this can be very confusing. Your questions are real, valid, and important. Rape occurs when someone penetrates any part of your body without your consent. It can be by force, but more often it is by coercion. You told him “later” and “how about next time” – he did not listen. I want you to know that staying with someone after a rape like this is actually really common. All of the things you told yourself after it happened are really common, too. Most survivors who stay dating the person who raped them say very similar things as you did – you didn’t want to lose your virginity to someone you weren’t dating. Some say they stayed because they didn’t realize what happened to them was rape. There is nothing about what you did that was stupid and none of this was your fault. Nobody has the right to touch your body without your consent. I hope this helps you feel less confused. If you have more questions, please respond back to this message. I will try to help you work through any questions you still have. Light, love, and solidarity, Alissa ~ Brave Miss World Team Member