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Confused

I had met this guy through my brother in law. Since I had met him he sexually assaulted me before but I ended up liking him & went on a date with him. We were at a party & I had a few glasses of wine. The same night I gave my virginity to him & we shared a bed that night. In the middle of the night, I awoke to him fondling me & I told him “Later.” I woke up the next day to him fondling my body again trying to turn me on. I felt he was pressuring me & I didn’t want to do it with him because I was raw & sore from last night being my first time. I looked at him & told him “How about next time?”, he stopped & laid there & I began to doze off back to sleep. But a few minutes later he got up, leaned over me, pulled the covers off of me, pulled off my shorts, & took my panties off. I laid there as my heart began to beat fast. I was shocked & didn’t know what to do. I had never been in a situation like that before where a man wasn’t listening to me. I looked at him wide eyed & shocked & said “Are you sure?” & he shook his head yes, got on top of me, & began to have sex with me. I was silent. I was confused. I began from that point to blame myself. I remember telling myself “This is your fault for telling him you didn’t want to. You are being selfish. After all, you teased him by having sex with him last night, & you teased him by sharing a bed with him. He’s just a guy & it’s in his nature. Pretend to enjoy it & just suck it up. You owe it to him!” I pinned it all on myself & actually made myself out to be the one in the wrong. I didn’t know how exactly to deal with it & I ended up sleeping with him every time he came over from then on & I didn’t dare tell him no. All of our sex felt pressured & like a chore to me from then on. I felt like I had lost my voice in a way. But at the same time I felt attached to him emotionally. I don’t know if it was because he was my first or what, but I felt like I had to have some type of relationship with him because I didn’t want to lose my virginity to someone that wasn’t my boyfriend. I kept sleeping with him to get him to like me so he’d want to be in a relationship. The sex always hurt because he was rough, & I couldn’t work up enough courage to tell him to stop because of before where he didn’t listen to me. In the end I finally just dropped him. I couldn’t do that to myself anymore & he clearly was just using me. I worked up enough energy to tell him no & I never saw him again. It never crossed my mind that he had possibly raped me. I recently talked with a couple of professionals & they told me it was rape. I never saw it that way though because I was too busy blaming myself the whole time. I’m still so confused. Why did I go back to him after that? Why was I so stupid? Was I really raped? Or was it all my fault? I don’t know what to make of this anymore. I don’t know how sex is going to go for me the next time I meet someone.

— Survivor, age 20

1 comment

  • Alissa Ackerman

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