I was debating for a long time whether or not to share this story, whether or not I have the right to do it. But I feel like I need to tell someone, anyone because it’s tearing me up. That’s the only thing I’ve had in my mind for the last few days and I can’t figure this out on my own.
Last year I met a guy, through the dating site. We hang out a couple times, nothing serious or official. We were going out on and off for about two months or so. One night he asked me to go for a party with him, he said that I could take some friends with me if I felt like it, unfortunately none of my friends had time that night, so I figured since I knew this guy it would be fine if I came alone. We were drinking with his friends, went to the club and at some point there were only two of us. After a while we got back to his place, and honestly I have no idea what I was thinking. I knew it was late and that I probably should have go home, but he was so nice and I really wanted to spend time with him, I was also drunk and stupid.
He started kissing me and I remember a thought creeping into my head: “I really don’t want to sleep with him, I’m okay with kissing and stuff but we should stop right now.” I didn’t said anything though. I don’t recall how but I ended up only in my underwear and I still didn’t wanted to have sex with him, but he continued to be pushy, and i told him that I really don’t want to do it. He ignored that, I pushed off his hands couple of times and he took them away for a second and after that they were back on their previous place. I knew that he was pressuring me, but I didn’t knew how to act. I just wanted to get it over with, because I felt like he completely ignored everything I have said to him, so I asked him if he could get a condom at least.
I didn’t like it, and through the whole time I was thinking: “I want this to end, when this is going to end?” BUT here starts the part where I’m questioning all of this. I’m questioning if this could be true. In the middle of it I have told him he is hurting me and if he could go slower because I don’t like it, he didn’t reacted. So I asked him again and again, still no reaction. I decided to remind him that I am… I was a virgin in hopes he could be more understanding. Surprisingly, he stopped and everything got so weird, I didn’t know what to do or how to feel and as stupid as it sounds, I still wanted for him to like me. I kissed him, not wanting anything more but he must have missed judged it and thought that I wanted to continue. I didn’t wanted for him to be in control, I hated it. So I started to think maybe if I was the one in control it would be fine, but it wasn’t. Aside from the fact he let me “control” situation only for minute or so, and he was back on top. I cried, he must have seen or hear that, but it was like he didn’t care at all.
After it was over he asked me: „Are you alright, because you don’t look like it.” I faked a smile and said that I’m fine. But I wasn’t. I felt used, ashamed, stupid and I just wanted to go home. So he walked me there like the gentleman he was. I talked to him next day, I wanted.. actually I don’t know what I was expecting. That he would want to be with me? That he will say he likes me? That he would apologize? And he did say sorry after all, but only because he thought I wasn’t virgin before this happend. I felt even more ashamed and used. I couldn’t think about that night, about him without crying. I was angry at me, at him, at everything. It went on for months. But it was my fault, it was on me, since I decided to sleep with him. That’s what I kept telling myself and that made me even more angry.
When year passed by, I told my friend that I slept with this guy. She was asking questions, a lot of them and the more she asked, the more shocked and worried she looked. Why are you acting so weird? I just lost my virginity to this guy who turned out to be an asshole.” I said. But was it?
I started analyzing it peace by peace. At least the peaces I remembered. At first I thought okay it’s been a year. But I didn’t remembered everything even the morning after, and I wasn’t that dunk to just forget. It was happening so fast and at the same time it lasted so long, because when I left it was already dawn. It must have been two hours, and I don’t remember being there for two hours. It’s hard to explain but sometimes I felt like I wasn’t even there.
The one thing I remember correctly, is that I most definitely haven’t decided anything, it just happend, but I didn’t said yes to that. I haven’t pushed him either. I just let him do whatever. So the question is, can I really blame anyone but myself?
I really don’t know what answer would I prefer.
— Survivor, age 19