I’m currently enrolled in a Philosophy of Love and Sex class at university and we were discussing sexual assault. The lecture really opened my eyes to something that had happened me earlier in the year and I’m pretty pissed and confused about it now.
Friends from my previous university were visiting me and staying at my house. We went downtown for drinks and such when things began to spin out of control. One of my friends isolated me from the group, convinced me to go outside with him and sort of pinned me up against the wall and starting making out with me. I didn’t exactly want it and I kept saying things like “No, we really shouldn’t be doing this etc.” but I really didn’t think it was the biggest deal. I mean I had made out drunk with boys at the bar before and could write it off quite easily.
After that though he stopped a cab and tried to put me in it. He kept saying “lets just go home” etc. but I wouldn’t have it. I wanted to hang out with all of the rest of my friends inside the bar. He got pissed off, insulted me, and then left abruptly. Eventually I went home and to bed as I was pretty drunk.
The next thing I knew, my door opened and the guy climbed on top of me and started kissing me. I kept saying “we shouldn’t do this etc” but he just ignored me and took off my pants. He went down on me (which I was extremely uncomfortable with) then tried to stick his penis in me. He had trouble getting it in so he didn’t really fuck me before one of my other guy friends walked in and called him on what he was doing then left. The guy immediately stopped and repeated over and over “Im so sorry.” He then asked if he could sleep there to which I replied yes as I was starting to cry.
He fell asleep right away. I got up and dressed as soon as I could. The boy who had stopped the whole thing from happening asked if I was okay and told me he should have checked earlier. I said thanks and left to sleep at another friends house.
The boy who had done that stuff said he didn’t remember anything about the night b/c he was too wasted but then was in a hurry to leave the city as soon as possible so I’m sure he knows what he did/tried to do. I still see him from time to time and I hate it. He even had the nerve to ask if he can stay at my house again.
I guess I’m just really confused about the whole situation now. I don’t even know if what happened counts as rape or if I should address the boy or what. I wonder if he really doesn’t know what he did/tried to do although I think he must. I get kind of fucked up thinking about it sometimes but for the most part, I’m okay. I’m just pissed that he gets to walk away scratch free while I have to act like everything is fine between us just because we have mutual friends. It also sickens me the way he treats other girls in general and I just worry that he might get away with something like this again but worse and maybe the girl will react a lot worse to it. I don’t know. I guess I’m just hoping that someone can help clarify any of this for me. Thank you.
Hi! You have every right to be angry and confused. Here’s the thing – each person must define their experiences for themselves. What some consider to be sexual assault, others don’t. What I can tell you is that what he did is certainly not okay. Being wasted is not an excuse or a justification to sexually violate a person and in my humble opinion he violated you. You said no and he clearly did not listen. That is a long way of saying that you have to decide if you will call it rape or not, but that it clearly fits the definition of rape and it is a crime. I hope this helps clarify some things for you. I’ll keep you in my thoughts as you navigate this new area of thought. It is amazing what college courses can do for us.
This is a hard time for you and I hope you will come to a point where it is made clear for you. I cannot tell you how to feel or what to do, but if you’re upset, that’s a clue that it didn’t feel good so work from that space.
Being drunk/high isn’t the issue. You were not in a state where you were able to say no clearly. Forgive yourself for whatever you’re blaming yourself for right now.
Figure out how you feel deep down and then move forward. My best thoughts and wishes are with you always.